Suicide

[Vagrant]

B&

[plumbererer]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9J8fu_p1DwI
i love you all. stay strong and persevere.

[-BlackBeltBusker-]

i dunno guys, ive had my fair share of chaotic shit in my life, my dad died of cancer when i was ten, im skint as fuck 24/7, my mums strugglin to make a living and just breaks down a lot.
i remember being suicidal when my dad died, i mean you might think "hes only ten, he cant of thought it through or been serious" when its the same thing with people who are a lot older, people on this site who are suicidal need to think through, life is a gift, dont take advantage of it and try and ride through, no matter how shit it is find a way to escape. write all your problems down on a piece of paper nd have a look at it all, you'll realise that the shit your in isnt as bad as your making it out to seem.

RANT OVER.

[Backalley Abortion Doctor]

So I got kicked out of where I been staying at the last month. So, on the road again. This time, taking company. My girl's couch surfing with me..Since we both got kicked out. She has nowhere to go. I always have couches to crash on.

Someday I'll make my way around to you all. I still have to get to RI and hit up Die. You too, vague. (Yes, vague)

[Vagrant]

:)
Rots you're one of my favorite people on /bs/
Just thought I'd let u know

[Thrice]

I can't even begin to say "sorry for your unfortunate conditions in life" and shit like that beecause i haven't experienced anything close to it. Yeah i grew up in a pretty wealthy family that isn't abusive or anything like that, but i can tell you in my "perfect little world" that i dont' feel a fucking thing. I have no motivation, im empty as fuck and sometimes i'd be willing do anything to get something out of life, but i sit here bored and miserable for the most part. I keep my head up as much as i can and work my ass off to try to get somewhere in life. I gotta say tho sometimes it's easier to see and expereince the good side of life when born on the bad side, but fuck i guess that's why i have dreams about having a fucked up life. My sucidial feelings aren't conceived in my mind, but just a result of a vacant life. money, sex, drugs, and even graffiti can't even fix that kind of thing. W/e done ranting, ill keep myself productive and get my mind off things.

[Backalley Abortion Doctor]

As gay as my life's always been, it's nothing compared to my girl's. She makes my parents look like saints. She's had the most unfortunate existence of anyone I've ever known. The difference between me and her? She didn't deserve it at all. That's why I have to take her with me. I've never given two shits about anyone, at all. Ever. But I'm going to give her a better life than what she's had.

[Vagrant]

Write a book, dude. *thumbs up*

Don't worry about an ending.
Walking off into the sunset together is good enough.

[-BlackBeltBusker-]

yeahh man, look into it
you sound like you've got a lot to write about though :/

[Thrice]

I'd buy ur book backalley

[-BlackBeltBusker-]

same here, i was already gripped by the brief story

[rush2]

Id buy it too

It bothers me when people on bs are such doush bags to each other
all the colture of graff is whack as fuck
I wouldnt be doing it if it wearn't for the actual graff part
I try my hardest to love everybody

[2much!]

backalley, i would read your book over and over again.
peace and love my friend. peace and love.

[CrustOner]

Rots, i'd read that book. Seriously, write it. But continue with a pseudonym.

[-BlackBeltBusker-]

It bothers me when people on bs are such doush bags to each other
all the colture of graff is whack as fuck
I wouldnt be doing it if it wearn't for the actual graff part
I try my hardest to love everybody

i know exactly what you mean, there's such a big competition to be the biggest twat on bs, i dont see why people cant just get along
it pisses me off how people are so fuckin insensitive
there so dysfunctional, but im sure they act fine in real life

[plumbererer]

As gay as my life's always been, it's nothing compared to my girl's. She makes my parents look like saints. She's had the most unfortunate existence of anyone I've ever known. The difference between me and her? She didn't deserve it at all. That's why I have to take her with me. I've never given two shits about anyone, at all. Ever. But I'm going to give her a better life than what she's had.

this is if anything why i respect you. stay strong bro.

[massacreman]

dont ever commit suicide, you no hero when you do, just board a plane to some other continent and never come back, check everything out

[Backalley Abortion Doctor]

I don't exactly have consistent internet access at the moment.
So I didn't stop posting because I offed myself.
I've considered writing the book a lot. Dr. Phil even wanted to bring my whole family on his show after someone I knew wrote him a letter detailing mine, and my sister's lives. I didn't need that kind of help.

I did as I said, I took her with me. And I've never felt shittier. She's sleeping on the floor here, in what is basically a shanty on the side of a cliff, where I'm staying with some old woman, and her dog. We made it three hours away from her psychotic mother, after she was kicked out of her house for being worthless in her mother's opinion.

I'm trying to find work, anywhere. I haven't had a job since June; I quit working to focus on getting a GED, then dipped again. We certainly can't stay here, it's barely liveable. I dunno' what to do. I got her away from the people that destroyed her life, and outlook on it, but I didn't bring her anywhere any better. She has nowhere else to go, though. And I'm not going to let her be alone. It really took me nearly twenty years to find someone worth caring about, and right now I seem to be the only one that does. I even went so far as to pray, every day, for a solid week. Make my amends with god, and beg him to forgive me for everything I've done to spite him if he'd just protect her from one specific thing. That he didn't. I've always felt he liked nothing more than testing/tormenting me, and about the time people started calling me "Rotten" I'd realised bad things no longer bothered me. I'd come to expect everything to go wrong, so I never got my hopes up, I learned to never be embarassed, and most rotsily, I really stopped caring about anything in the world. What DID I have to care about? I had no family, any friends I had either only wanted to fuck me or they rid my nuts and ended up annoying the piss out of me. I was pretty much convinced I was the most useless waste of space ever conceived, But I had no enemies, either. I just didn't/don't care enough about ANYONE to spend time having ANY emotions toward them...'til her. So now, I can't help but feel he's getting to me, through her. There's nothing else he could possibly do to me. But I DESERVE every last thing that's happened. She doesn't. She's slept with fewer people than fingers I have on my hand, she's never committed a crime (Other than smoking some weed) She's never done a hard drug in her life, and despises them with a passion (And got me off of them) She doesn't even smoke cigarattes. She's never betrayed anyone, or fronted to someone, or asked for much of anything from anyone. And shit STILL goes wrong for her, and there's nothing I can do about it.

She never complains, even when I'm wrecked. She's never looked down on me, or thought I wasn't doing enough. She always expresses the exact opposite, infact. Even when I'm having a breakdown, like last night. I'm at a weird time in my life, when I feel really vulnerable, because what happens to me has always been irrelevant, but now I have her. She's just...there. She's like, my responsibility now. Not saying it's a bad thing, but it's a hard thing for me to jump into. She's mine to take care of, because no one else will. And right now, the only thing I worry about is being unable to do it. Right now she's asleep on/under a blanket on the floor, curled up in a ball. It's like 25 degrees outside, according to this computer. And still, the last thing she said to me was "good night honey. I love you. We're gonna' be happy"

Am I not THE most useless thing ever?

[CrustOner]

That is definitely something you have special, Rots. Keep it that way. Continue doing what you're doing, because she seems to enjoy that you care about her, maybe because you are the only one who does. So you're not useless at all, rather, you're everything to her. Where would she be without you? Homeless, but alone. You're currently like her guardian angel, it sounds (as lame as that sounds), and that's something you should definitely take into account. And fuck God, that ***** doesn't exist. It's the placebo effect and your thoughts affecting your outcome. Just continue doing what you're doing, and stay strong; Things will get better, and you'll both be happy. Good luck.

[Thrice]

She sounds like she's your key rots. Lately i've fallen for all the wrong girls and I let myself get led on and fucked over by teases. This shit gets worse and worse by day, feel like im 2 feet away from slitting my fucking wrists. Not sure if im going to break things off with this girl because i see potential in her, but it looks like a bad outcome is about to turn scares the shit out of me, because im not sure im strong enough to make it through this time.

[M3KA1!]

yo rots come on up north. i give ya a place to stay

[Thrice]

So at what age did you guys start thinkin about suicide?

[Loki X Sho]

I had rough times before..I was in highschool.
What is on your mind...

[Thrice]

I remember back when I was like 10, i kept saying to myself "I could just kill myself" on a regular basis. That sounds so abnormally young for that shit to start, idk.

[Loki X Sho]

Yeah that is kind of young..but I guess everyone has their feelings and reasons for having those sorts of thoughts...you're not abnormal.

[anti-anti-crime]

Rots: Write a book, man. Seriously. Some of that writing there is proof enough that you've been through hell, and haven't come back. The writing is good, man.

I remember back when I was wicked young (I don't know the age, though.) that I thought about "You know, if I killed myself, I wouldn't have to deal with this."

And for the last year, suicide has been on my mind a lot. For four months straight I was holding myself back from doing it, knowing that my family cares too much about me to do something like that to them.

[Loki X Sho]

dude...don't beh sad :'(
Talk to mama loki

[sSimpleMindeded]

The only reason I dont commit suicide is my little brother. I dont believe in god so im not scared of hell or anything and even if I did im far beyond forgiveness anyways. I think about it basically on a daily basis but even though I do I know I couldnt do it just cause of what it would do to my brother. So im not at risk or anything but im just saying it here cause I have never told anyone before I dont think anyone would even suspect that of me.

[Thrice]

Oh loki....what would BS be without you.

But yo, my family is defintely a big obstacle for me to killmyself, that and God.
For me im not sure if you kill yourself that you will go to hell, and i don't hold back out of fear of hell. Simply enough I feel like im betraying God if i did kill myself, and God is the only thing that hasn't betrayed me in life, so it's an unfair act to commit. Still doesnt help my severe depression.

[anti-anti-crime]

Your all born to be winners. You were all the fastest sperm.

Thrice: Is severe depression the diagnoses you got? Don't take offence to me asking about your medical past, but I'd just like to know. I was diagnosed with Major Clinical Depression with severe symptoms, but I've never heard of severe depression as an actual diagnoses.

And what's really getting you down man? It seems like you want to tell us about your thoughts more than how they came about. Everyone in this thread wants to help and receive help, man.

As for the subject of not going through with it. I've always been a believer in the afterlife, but not in heaven and hell. I feel as thought there IS something remotely similar to them, but not a literal lake of fire. My friend once said to me "I believe everyone was told it was a lake of fire because of the sheer ignorance of everyone in that time. People who have never stepped out of the boundaries of there properties, farmers, etc, would not educated enough as to grasp the real properties of hell. So there just told it's a massive amount of terrible physical pain. It's the only thing they would understand." Not his exact words, but along those lines. Hell isn't going to be a lake of fire, it's going to be something awful. It won't be dictated by the sins you've commited in your life, but the fact that you learned from your sins, and righted them. Right now I'm trying to live a good life, be nice as possible as I can be to everybody, etc.

Okay, got off subject. My family is basically the only thing holding me back, or was, anyways. Lately, I've had alot of better times. Amazing what little things can make a huge difference in your life.

Minded: Your bein' a trooper, man. If your staying alive for your fam, that's a big thing. If your in as much pain as it sounds like your in, your a fucking tough ass dude. What's gettin ya down, man?

[Thrice]

Nah i just put it that way. I mean i have social anxiety disorder, social attachment problems, and all sorts of shit like that.

lots of my depression is stemming from deaths lately, but also chick/friend issue. I just can't rely on anyone aside from my family anymore.

[anti-anti-crime]

Death is just the illusion that we've lost someone, man. Were never gone from that person, and that person is never gone from us. I don't know who all you've lost, but as long as you've spent time, had fun, and loved that person (well, not for everyone, but you know..) there never lost. You've always got that piece of them in your memory man.

I have social anxiety, too. Attatchment problems as in not trusting anybody so you don't get attached, or...? Never heard about that.

[Messer]

Nah i just put it that way. I mean i have social anxiety disorder, social attachment problems, and all sorts of shit like that.

lots of my depression is stemming from deaths lately, but also chick/friend issue. I just can't rely on anyone aside from my family anymore.

i feel you on that social anxiety disorder, i got diagnosed with that at 16 man :/.

haha and i've accumilated a whole bunch of other labels down the line too.

[Loki X Sho]

help
Im always giving advice to people, and I give good advice man..and they say that all of the answers to lifes questions lie inside yourself..but I can't even find myself. I'm so fucking MAD that I'm writing this. But today is in no means good. At all. So hear me out. I don't care about beliefs in here...I don't care if what I think is happening isn't logical..but thats why Im here..I need outer advice.

I've been carefully evaluating myself for the past year, and I think I'm paranoid schizophrenic or have borderline personality disorder. Its not just an ignorant self diagnosis..theres logic man. Lots of it. I think I need to go back to therapy real bad before I fuck up hard. I can't talk to people I know..but I feel stupid telling the internet..but it just feels better to talk to strangers because they really don't know who or what you are. I can't even talk to my best friend and my mom just cries...I don't know if I'm truly crazy when I hear the things I hear or see the things I see..I'm like clenching my teeth even writing this stuff down...I'm very manic depressive and I find myself uncontrollably lashing out at people really close to me that don't believe what I'm telling them. Its completely real to me and I hate how people mock it. The other night I fucked myself up real bad..and I don't remember it at all..I wasn't even intoxicated.

Its like I know too much about psychology to actually believe some of the things I've experienced...
but what if its really real..I feel like I'm never going to know if I'm really losing it or if I have some kind of gift..
I don't know but whatever. it makes it hard to live...I can't deal with all of these manifestations...even if they are a part of me.

I don't even know where to begin..people just think I'm crazy and I'm starting to believe them..but at the same time I don't want to condition myself as a crazy person. I feel like I'm always being watched by something...and sometimes I even see it.. What if I'm really posessed or soemthing...people used to think they were posessed but got diagnosed with schizophrenia. Or what if I really just have some kind of mental disorder...I don't want to be demon posessed, but I don't want a mental disorder either..
so it just seems easier to resort to other things.
Not that I'm going to die any time soon..but if things get worse I don't want to be alive.
I don't take medication EVER. EVER. So its whatever.
I guess I could just use some heavy advice..spiritual and meaningful...
I'll be back later.

[Armored Bulletz]

Death is just the illusion that we've lost someone, man. Were never gone from that person, and that person is never gone from us. I don't know who all you've lost, but as long as you've spent time, had fun, and loved that person (well, not for everyone, but you know..) there never lost. You've always got that piece of them in your memory man.

I have social anxiety, too. Attatchment problems as in not trusting anybody so you don't get attached, or...? Never heard about that.

wow thats true in many ways anti, as i just lost both my grandma's in 2009

[kace91]

So, I've been carefully evaluating myself for the past year, and I think I'm paranoid schizophrenic or have borderline personality disorder. Its not just an ignorant self diagnosis..theres logic man. Lots of it. I think I need to go back to therapy real bad before I fuck up hard. I can't talk to people I know..but I feel stupid telling the internet..but it just feels better to talk to strangers because they really don't know who or what you are. I can't even talk to my best friend and my mom just cries...I don't know if I'm truly crazy when I hear the things I hear or see the things I see..I'm like clenching my teeth even writing this stuff down...I'm very manic depressive and I find myself uncontrollably lashing out at people really close to me that don't believe what I'm telling them. Its completely real to me and I hate how people mock it. The other night I fucked myself up real bad..and I don't remember it at all..I wasn't even intoxicated.

Its like I know too much about psychology to actually believe some of the things I've experienced...
but what if its really real..I feel like I'm never going to know if I'm really losing it or if I have some kind of gift..
I don't know but whatever. it makes it hard to live.

I don't even know where to begin..people just think I'm crazy and I'm starting to believe them..but at the same time I don't want to condition myself as a crazy person. I feel like I'm always being watched by something...and sometimes I even see it..its like a praying mantis demon. What if I'm really posessed or soemthing...people used to think they were posessed but got diagnosed with schizophrenia. Or what if I really just have some kind of mental disorder...I don't want to be demon posessed, but I don't want a mental disorder either..
so it just seems easier to resort to other things.
Not that I'm going to die any time soon..but if things get worse I don't want to be alive.
I don't take medication EVER. EVER. So its whatever.
I guess I could just use some heavy advice..spiritual and meaningful...
I'll be back later.

Mmmh.. I don't know if this is going to help you but... some years ago, one of my teacher show us in class a virtual experiment, which was used to simulate the effects of schizophrenia. I tried it, and the feeling was very close to what you describe.... for example, sometimes it looked like if people in adverts were staring at you, or some guy in the street looked at you in a strange way or whisper something when you walked near them... it was really scaring, i remember that the feeling was horrible, even nowing it was just an experiment. So I think you probably should try to tell that to some psicologist... you wont loose anything trying, and it could help a lot.

[Loki X Sho]

My mom looks at me like I'm not even me anymore..and I feel like my dad and I, who used to best friends, are just a lost cause. My inner empire is crumbling and nobody understands. Its the most alone I've felt in a long time. I'm going to set up an appointment..even though I HATE fucking anything like this.

It just sucks..I feel weak even coming out with this..I shouldn't need anyone else to figure things out for me. How do they really know what I'm thinking..ahH.

I'm asking too much..how could any of you possibly know whats happening..I guess I'm just that desperate

[GIMMEHLTRSKLTR]

Tried to asphyxiate myself with a belt around 8 years old(Dad caught me) I have never been formally diagnosed but im sure I suffer from manic depression. Had a couple serious bouts of depression. Drinking obscene amounts and contemplating laying down on the tracks.

And since i was so frustrated I would act out and do alot of really reckless shit.

[Thrice]

Loxi - I myself lash out on people too and say shit without control. I think its sort of a defense mechanism, like i have an attachment disorder. I stay away from medication as well, because i don't want to get dependent on it or anything. Can you elaborate more on when you fucked yourself up bad and where is your depression mostly coming from? Like domestic abuse, lack of friends, etc.

I can say is though, It's not your fault. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uY6k50qB4Ys&feature=related)

[Loki X Sho]

Yeah man I'll tell you all about it when I leave work...Ill be home in like 20 minutes...I'll IM you.

[Thrice]

Alright, sounds good. I'll be on.

[anti-anti-crime]

Loki, I sent you a PM. Thrice, I'm sending you one right now.

At both of you, whatevers happened to you, what have it be. It isn't your fault. You might be telling yourself it is, other people might tell you it is, but from all the posts you guys have made, and from my talks with loki, you two are kind people. It is NOT your fault.

[GIMMEHLTRSKLTR]

Me personally even though Im not involved in this discussion really stems from the calendars up and downs.

The year of good and the subsequent crash of friendships and such. I have a destructive personality. When things are good(In my head) I am quite pleasant to be around. When the pendulum swings(This happens randomly) I become neurotic and my keith richard mentality takes over and I do bad shit.

This has been becoming worse over time and the thing is this has been happening since i was around 16 and Im 24 now. I have been to shrinks & on drugs and nothing has really helped. So eventually it just gets to the point in which you ask yourself "Is this anyway to continue on?"

[DRUNK POST}

[Thrice]

I think we're all a little destructive seeing as how we are all vandals. I hear ya tho, i can be a real hard ass sometimes. I think that's just the natural dark anger that we all have contained in us.

[GIMMEHLTRSKLTR]

I think we're all a little destructive seeing as how we are all vandals. I hear ya tho, i can be a real hard ass sometimes. I think that's just the natural dark anger that we all have contained in us.

Sometimes I will be so soft and so sweet and kind to people and sometimes I will be smashing shit and being incredibly reckless. Its like Jekyll and Hyde.

[Thrice]

You make lots of analogies, dont ya? Sometimes when I feel myself acting up i just walk away from the situation or go for a drive and chill out to some music. Doesn't hurt to relieve the stress from time to time as long as you don't hurt yourself or anyone.

[anti-anti-crime]

I get both of ya'. I can find myself just take shit from people and walk it off, but other times, I'll take it hard and end up getting into major arguments with family.

I've been lucky enough that nobody fucks with me on the street. I'd probly end up getting my ass beat, but hey, better to just avoid the situations completely.

[GIMMEHLTRSKLTR]

You make lots of analogies, dont ya? Sometimes when I feel myself acting up i just walk away from the situation or go for a drive and chill out to some music. Doesn't hurt to relieve the stress from time to time as long as you don't hurt yourself or anyone.

I don't do the science so to speak, I just spill whats on my mind.

[Thrice]

You guys should check out some philosophers. Find one that you like and can relate to. For me Niccolo Machiavelli and some Nietzche does the trick. I advise picking up their books, i got the prince by machiavelli. Some of their stuff is almost unscrupulous and pessimistic, but people are shit.

"A wise ruler cannot and should not keep his word, when it would be to his disadvantage. If all men were good, this rule would not stand. But as men are wicked and not prepared to keep their word to you, you have no need to keep your word to them."

[GIMMEHLTRSKLTR]

You guys should check out some philosophers. Find one that you like and can relate to. For me Niccolo Machiavelli and some Nietzche does the trick. I advise picking up their books, i got the prince by machiavelli. Some of their stuff is almost unscrupulous and pessimistic, but people are shit.

"A wise ruler cannot and should not keep his word, when it would be to his disadvantage. If all men were good, this rule would not stand. But as men are wicked and not prepared to keep their word to you, you have no need to keep your word to them."
I already read nietzsche, he fucked me up! haha

[Thrice]

which book? I was thinkin of getting thus spoke zaranthustra.

[Loki X Sho]

I'm at war with myself I decided.
One second I have it all together, and the next second I'm caving in to myself.
The one good thing thats come from this is I'm a nasty drummer now...I take it all out on my art and the music. But I hate this routine...I hate these thoughts. I'm freaking out.

[Thrice]

What's going on in your life?

[DismGraffiti]

persist. survive. clarity. release. rebirth.

[actlikeyouknow]

..

[devil at sea level]

Hi all,

I remember seeing this thread a long time ago and now i really need it for some advice. I've never been one thats good with psych stuff so I need some advice about how to handle a situation. My girlfriend and I just went through a very depressing, sad break up involving both of us moving off to different places. Today, when I went to hang out with her she couldn't stop crying. I eventually convinced her to tell me what was wrong and it was very shocking. She told me she had tried to kill herself by driving her car into a tree but held back at the last minute.

I know this sounds completely full of shit but I 100% believe her and need to help somehow. She didn't want me to tell her friends and family about it and has just told me. I honestly don't know how to handle this or what to do or say. This girl has stood by me when I myself was going through some rough times with police problems, family problems, etc. I need to pay her back for everything's she done. Hopefully someone here can help me out. I really need it. Thanks, guys.

[Thrice]

Tell her to hold it together and give you a call when shit gets bad and she's depressed. Seriously tho, that kind of shit is fucked up to the point where you're going to commit suicide over a break up like that. My last girl cut herself because i got ticked off at her, just a casual little thing in every relationship, she tries to make me look like the bad guy.

Sure when i get cheated on and dumped i feel like shit and think about suicide non-stop, but i never throw it on them like that, plus i wont give them the satisfaction.

[anti-anti-crime]

Devil- Tell her she needs to call next time she thinks like that and thinks shes going to do it. Call you or call SOMEBODY. The fact that shes keeping this from her family is going to make it alot more shocking when she gets 502d into a hospital and put under restriction (close, 24 hour watch cycle). She needs a therapist if she was that close to actually doing it, and her families support (unless theres something I'm missing).

Be there for her whenever she needs help. Other than that, there's nothing you can really do except help her get help.

Thrice- Fuck man, if a girl cut herself when you got into shit with her I don't think thats very.. sane. Not to say that cutting herself alone was sane enough, but the fact that she did it to the smallest things, leads me to believe she either loved you alot, had bad experiences tied toa relationship that went sour and shes somehow projecting that and regressing into old patterns. Or shes doing it to make you feel bad, and trying to keep you on and feel sorry for her.

Oh wait... forgot to use the past tense. My baddddddd.

Me- In the latest of news, I'm only now covered in scars and no fresh cuts :D Good times.

[Thrice]

She was a straight up whore, ended up cheating on me. Fuck dat bitch!

[SAID]

Has anyone been medically proven to be depressed?
If so, please PM me..

[Thrice]

I don't need some physiatrist to tell me that im fucked up.

[SAID]

Yes I understand that, but sometimes there's shit going on in your brain and it's not your fault that your fucked up and wanna understand why yedig?

[Loki X Sho]

People are so all about self healing these days...don't get me wrong I was so stubborn. It took a near death experience to get me to the therapist. And it took the mindset that I could help myself to get me to that near death experience...
Most people make that mistake and it ends up too late for help...
Therapists are like mental secretaries. they sort your biznass into seperate piles and help you do your work.
get help. It Helps.

[Thrice]

I'd only do therapy if Robin Williams is my therapist.

[prefer]

help
Im always giving advice to people, and I give good advice man..and they say that all of the answers to lifes questions lie inside yourself..but I can't even find myself. I'm so fucking MAD that I'm writing this. But today is in no means good. At all. So hear me out. I don't care about beliefs in here...I don't care if what I think is happening isn't logical..but thats why Im here..I need outer advice.

I've been carefully evaluating myself for the past year, and I think I'm paranoid schizophrenic or have borderline personality disorder. Its not just an ignorant self diagnosis..theres logic man. Lots of it. I think I need to go back to therapy real bad before I fuck up hard. I can't talk to people I know..but I feel stupid telling the internet..but it just feels better to talk to strangers because they really don't know who or what you are. I can't even talk to my best friend and my mom just cries...I don't know if I'm truly crazy when I hear the things I hear or see the things I see..I'm like clenching my teeth even writing this stuff down...I'm very manic depressive and I find myself uncontrollably lashing out at people really close to me that don't believe what I'm telling them. Its completely real to me and I hate how people mock it. The other night I fucked myself up real bad..and I don't remember it at all..I wasn't even intoxicated.

Its like I know too much about psychology to actually believe some of the things I've experienced...
but what if its really real..I feel like I'm never going to know if I'm really losing it or if I have some kind of gift..
I don't know but whatever. it makes it hard to live...I can't deal with all of these manifestations...even if they are a part of me.

I don't even know where to begin..people just think I'm crazy and I'm starting to believe them..but at the same time I don't want to condition myself as a crazy person. I feel like I'm always being watched by something...and sometimes I even see it.. What if I'm really posessed or soemthing...people used to think they were posessed but got diagnosed with schizophrenia. Or what if I really just have some kind of mental disorder...I don't want to be demon posessed, but I don't want a mental disorder either..
so it just seems easier to resort to other things.
Not that I'm going to die any time soon..but if things get worse I don't want to be alive.
I don't take medication EVER. EVER. So its whatever.
I guess I could just use some heavy advice..spiritual and meaningful...
I'll be back later.


i can relate to the paranoid thoughts thing alot, im very paranoid, however ill tell you something that is true when i thought i was possesd, lying awake in bed at 12:00 at night lights out after watching a disturbing beating video on youtube, i couldnt get to sleep i swear i saw a demon appear right in front of me that looked like the beating victim, shortley after i vividly saw a large image of a face of one of the atttackers appear right in fron of me in color and consistency of a cloud, that shit was scary.

[Loki X Sho]

Well, Idk man. Its a struggle.
I've been talking to someone religious lately..which i FUCKING hate.
I hate christianity so much.
this is the shittiest most confusing time evar.

Idk, my anxiety comes and goes whenever it wants..but Im thinking some pretty twisted stuff. I wish I could explain...
So many loop holes...but I'm needed for something..i havent figured it out.

or am i nuts.
UGH
.now im pissed.
dont worry its all my fault

i started therapy again. its helping a bit, but this is a harder shell to crack for sure...

I cant even look at how I explain myself without wanting to smash the fuck out of my computer.

BLAH.

Ive been thinking that maybe I should take somethinggggg....but the drugs they suggest are too much.
I mean, i hate even taking advil.
Why do I want a drug to stop my thought process and turn me into a zombie
plus it makes you gain weight, and i am a woman. So fuck that.
Stupid medicines...
Thats the icing on the cake right there

[prefer]

i feel you man, just dont believe in christianity if you dont like it i guess, dont get too pissed, you shoud draw out your thoughts thatd be sick

[Loki X Sho]

I do draw them...do you want to see?! Thats like, how I cope. I draw what I see inside...do you want to see?! Maybe you can relate...if you feel anything like me...

[prefer]

post em up man for sure,

[Loki X Sho]

http://i49.tinypic.com/wu018m.png
http://i49.tinypic.com/33f6yz8.png
http://c2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/102/l_da21f49e9933f837d5007fb12dd4e6fd.jpg
http://c3.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/60/l_8274d0aa32862ea79429844a9fdc4daa.jpg
http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/80/l_5fc3ea345e1992752373a4e111f95a08.jpg
http://i45.tinypic.com/sxf75u.png
just a few thoughts

[Chippey]

From the pictures i gather, you feel like you are controlled by something, and you feel rather alone and mental, and that your dying from it? Correct?

[Loki X Sho]

oh yes. you should see...its insane how many sketch books i keep drawing these hands in. I filled a bunch.
If you rip the image apart more, and go deeper, there are so many more messages...
but you have to read a lot of weird shit to understand them..or know about it atleast.

[Thrice]

Don't be hatin on christianity. There is nothing wrong with the religion itself, it's just some of the people who practice it and media manipulation.

[Loki X Sho]

Well, I hate it haha. I can't help it. It ruined so much of my life.
But I don't hate on Christians, everyone has their right to practice whatever they want.
And I respect that its a choice for other people..
So if youre a Christrian, Right on!

But I choose to practice other things.

Freshmen year..this painting was intense at the time...
some crazy emotions...
http://c4.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/78/l_61461a89289408cb9b7a272b102a5dcf.jpg
I got in trouble during this painting, because I refused to stop painting when the period ended.
Eventually I was forced to move to the guidance office..where I wouldn't stop painting still.
I even threatened the teachers to not touch the painting or else. lol.

[prefer]

loki are you getting help man cuase i think you need it

[anti-anti-crime]

Loki- Those are some powerful painting and drawings... And honestly, they scream 'I need halp' not to make light of your situation, but I can tell from those that your suffering.. alot...
Get help, please :(

["Mafi"]

Me- In the latest of news, I'm only now covered in scars and no fresh cuts :D Good times.

Good job anti, keep it up (:
The first few weeks are the hardest

[Bilnek]

if u want to kill yourself go paint a heavens spot....if u don't die u won't think of suicide again cuz the adrenaline will last forever

[Thrice]

That's just silly. ^

[elks443]

I dont believe in suicide I see it as a cowards way out. and think about it Hitler killed himself you want to be put in the same boat as him (metaphorically) i say If your feeling deppressed or schizophrenic do what I did and do PCP and shoot at the cops because
death is not an option its a consequence

["Mafi"]

do what I did and do PCP and shoot at the cops because death is not an option its a consequence
Okay hard ass.
Everyone who has suicidal thoughts should instead turn to pcp and attempted murder. FUckin brilliant

[anti-anti-crime]

Okay hard ass.
Everyone who has suicidal thoughts should instead turn to pcp and attempted murder. FUckin brilliant
You just got trolled, my friend.

Anybody who has suicidal thoughts should seek help of SOME form. Whether It's talking to a friend, a parent, somebody, or seeking real medical help. People shouldn't just bottle it up, trust me.

Or shoot at cops and do PCP. One of the two.

[Messer]

i did option two, it didn't work out.

[Thrice]

I give myself 4 years top before i pull the trigger, at this point i feel like i should take risks or make a bucket list or some shit.

[BIGel]

think about it Hitler killed himself you want to be put in the same boat as him (metaphorically)

that is possibly the dumbest fucking argument i've ever heard.

[Thrice]

Agreed, wtf is that shit.

[Ovel&TheJetts]

I lost my girlfriend of 4.5 years last week and have been thinking of offing myself lately.

Not over her...but because I'm so fucking lonely. I had someone to spend all my time with 24/7 for almost a whole year (thats how long she was living with me). I based my entire day, my entire schedule, all my plans, everything around her.

She was my best friend, it was real tough losing her.

But, its been a week now...and I feel better for the most part. Still sad a few times a day, but I'll pull through.

Anyone considering suicide should wait a week and see how it is then. If you still wanna do it...nobody knows whats best except you. I would hate for someone to kill themselves, but what do any of us really know about their inner suffering? Either they did it on a whim, or had an actual reason. None of us can really know.

[Chippey]

Its hard to move on when youve lost someone youve been close to. Just try to get yourself out of bed every morning, and go on, things will pick up, you'll get used to it in a while hopefully and find someone else. But at the end of the day its your body and your life so whatever you choose to do I respect.

[Ovel&TheJetts]

Its hard to move on when youve lost someone youve been close to. Just try to get yourself out of bed every morning, and go on, things will pick up, you'll get used to it in a while hopefully and find someone else. But at the end of the day its your body and your life so whatever you choose to do I respect.

Yeah. I'm not gonna do it over her, or anything else. I'm stronger than that.

And, hell, I'm already talking to a new girl. IDK about her though...shes all over the place. Shes so gorgeous and awesome to party with, but IDK what kind of girlfriend she'd make.

I was with her a few years back...didn't last long, but it was a hell of a run.

[Thrice]

May I ask, how did she pass?

[Siner]

you guys are deppresing.. people who commit suicide never heard of DRUGS
Your an idiot, lots of people with drug problems end up killing themselves because they can't live like that anymore. Of course this thread is depressing, it's the suicide thread.

[streetology973]

Your an idiot, lots of people with drug problems end up killing themselves because they can't live like that anymore. Of course this thread is depressing, it's the suicide thread.

well i have a drug problem and im happy as can be

[Thrice]

Not everyone is the same. Also what drugs do you do regularly?

[streetology973]

weed xtc codeine

[Thrice]

Ehhh, most people with drug problems that commit suicide do Crystal and Heroine.

[streetology973]

Those are pretty dangerous and ok i guess you guys need somewhere to vent so you dont shoot yourselves

[Siner]

I said drug problem, insinuating drug addiction. You obviously don't do all those drugs every day, just recreational use. If you have nothing on topic too talk about in here then GTFO.

[Thrice]

Get used, Get lied to, Get led on, repeat. I finally let go of shitty people like that in my life that I rely on and I meet new people and same thing. What the fuck is the point?

[PulseWithLife]

Get used, Get lied to, Get led on, repeat. I finally let go of shitty people like that in my life that I rely on and I meet new people and same thing. What the fuck is the point?

True. Life is bullshit. Only thing i like doing is smoking weed and drinking. Only thing i really want in my life is to go live overseas and get the fuck outta Australia. But i need money for that. Only compleated year ten and any time i try and learn some thin i cant because weed fucks my attention span up. School aint for me any way. Go back to school and find out most people dont smoke weed every day. I wish i could find a job i could take overseas but it doent look like its gonna happen. I dont see myself ever being happy in this life time. Fuck Sluts Whores women who cheat i hate having cunts i dont even know after me because of what sluts claim.

[Thrice]

It doesn't help im christian and im straight edge. None of my friends are but i don't judge or dismiss people if they do drugs, drink, etc. But i wish they could do the same for me. I get this "oh that so cool." "i respect that." Sorts of bullshit but they always see me for some arrogant shallow prick, which im really not. I keep my religious beliefs and moral values to myself and only judge my own actions, unless heinous. I dont get it, are they jealous or does it bother them that im spiritual?

[labmadelift]

lost a beautiful person to this shit, feeling of no self worth is extreme and very powerful, shit, i got depressed just reading through here.

[labmadelift]

It doesn't help im christian and im straight edge. None of my friends are but i don't judge or dismiss people if they do drugs, drink, etc. But i wish they could do the same for me. I get this "oh that so cool." "i respect that." Sorts of bullshit but they always see me for some arrogant shallow prick, which im really not. I keep my religious beliefs and moral values to myself and only judge my own actions, unless heinous. I dont get it, are they jealous or does it bother them that im spiritual?

jealous, i wish i could have faith in something so invisible and unseen, and believe in some long "life creating" story, but i can't, i see what i see and i do what i do.

but i almost give you props for having the will power and belief in something you can't see. amazing. hats off to all people having faith, faith in anything.

[jiveONE]

It doesn't help im christian and im straight edge. None of my friends are but i don't judge or dismiss people if they do drugs, drink, etc. But i wish they could do the same for me. I get this "oh that so cool." "i respect that." Sorts of bullshit but they always see me for some arrogant shallow prick, which im really not. I keep my religious beliefs and moral values to myself and only judge my own actions, unless heinous. I dont get it, are they jealous or does it bother them that im spiritual?

All I can personally say (from experience) find at least just one really cool friend who can really see you for who you are...and if you're strait edge don't hang out with that party crowd; they are douchebags, and this is coming from someone who isn't edge. A true friend will always accept you for who you are, and see through your faults....

[Thrice]

Thanks man, im keeping an open mind when meetin new people in my life.

[TheToy]

Real *****'s do real shit.

Nuff said.

[Thrice]

Can some mod please check this thread once a week or so and ban these fuckin' pricks that come here to talk shit.

[RFI. SPit]

Yea I'm going to try to keep an eye on it, any shit talk in this thread isn't going to fly, and I'll ban you immediately

[Thrice]

Appreciate it Zof.

[The Kidz]

i thought about suicide a few weeks ago, even broke my widow but i just could not bring myself to jump just because i knew what it would do to my friends and family

[downunder]

i thought about suicide a few weeks ago, even broke my widow but i just could not bring myself to jump just because i knew what it would do to my friends and family

I once punched a hole in my door, so close to killing myself m4n!!!!!!!!!!

[PeeInTheShower]

you could tell who's never lost anybody due to taking their life. this is no fantasy... there are people out there living this world knowing that their afterlife will be more peaceful but they know they have people to take care of on earth. man i feel like doing myself in sometimes just because i don't want to get a job, don't want to have to worry about where i'm gonna live, i don't want to worry about borrowing money to start my car to drive down the street, i don't want responsibilities. i don't want anything.

[Papa Crucifix]

Alright,

I am currently relapsing back into my depressive state after all these years of my 'small mood changes' i have finally clonked onto a large one and its not gone for a couple weeks ever since i was lied to, cheated on, abused, and just all round treated like shit.

i mean i don't care about the being treated like shit but all my life i have had suicidal tendencies i love the thought of death and this is the thing i have set myself up to do, usually i spend my time listening to peoples problems and curing them of there hatred for their own lives but when it comes to me needing a helping hand, no one has the time of the day to spare a minute to help me sort my life out.

I just believe i cant handle life at the moment, I'm living a false life, i get up in the morning put a mask on that's happy and cheerful so that i don't get angered by people pestering me, i know it seems pretty contradictory saying i dislike being pestered about how I'm feeling but there's times where i wish to express them and times when i seek to just leave them to fester.

I cannot control my urges for self purging of the blood in my body, i wish to spill blood that is mine, i seek to end my pain and torment i want it all to end so that i have nothing to do with this Plane of existence or this world that has so many problems with it.

I do not see why i should live my 'False Life' just to keep others happy when i myself am not happy, and i cant be happy because I've tried everything to be it, I'm over it all

This is no a plea for help, this is but a knowledge of my feelings for future reference to guide someone in my state from this point back to reality.

This may not make sense but, It's my attempt.

- Papa Crucifix

[CrustOner]

You could always leave the mask off for a day. Live the "real" life for a day, and see how things play out. Some will think you're a fucking asshole, some will be able to understand where you're coming from, change, or help you.

I feel Suicide is never an answer in my life. There are always a multitude of choices, even if that means burning my apartment for the insurance policy, or ditching everything and going squatting (something I plan on doing anyway), but I feel suicide just isn't ever an answer. I've been doing the fucking exact same thing for about two weeks, and I need to get out of it, but even then, I still don't feel I'm living a false life.



tl;dr: Papa Crucifix, don't do it. Take your mask off for a day and let people know what you really think. It's freeing.

[Papa Crucifix]

Tomorrow (well today but couple hours from now when i actually get some sleep) shall be my day without my mask, if... in fact it does work, then i shall continue to leave it off

if on the other hand, it doesn't work... then back to square one...

I'm still in my depressive moods, every now and again, but when i get them, boy are they hell...

Crust, you're a kind stranger my friend... thank you for your words of wisdom

i think my life may turn around when i finally move into my other flat with my mates and relax away from most of the stress

[Thrice]

I once punched a hole in my door, so close to killing myself m4n!!!!!!!!!!

Shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of here.

[pilerskee]

I don't really know why I am writing this on here but here it goes.
For the past year or more my life just seems sort of half-lived, and its fucked man- because that shit gets me pissed..at myself and at everyone around me. I have some issues with social situations, you know being in a group, or even just one on one with someone, whether it be guys or girls, strangers or people i know. I used to go to group therapy because i have those issues, I was told to go there by an old psychiatrist, anyway, that didn't help, I thought it would but i'm right when i started. I mean its sorta like depression but its not- i was told its called social anxiety, but the description doesn't seem to match me entirely. So, i'm confused and angry, so a lot of the time i do get suicidal tendencies in my mind. What also does it is the fact that apart from having those issues i've lost every friend i ever had- and to be honest i never really got an answer to why..so that's all i want to say now, but i could go on for ages and as i said before, i don't not know why i wrote this here, but its here so fuck it.

[Loki X Sho]

Its cool to talk on here man...Its a good way to see that you're not alone and others share similar situations. So, I understand that they say you're socially anxious and you don't really agree, but what exactly do you feel like...Its really hard to lose a good friend, especially with no explanation. Its not your fault and unfortunately we have no control over others life choices. You can't blame yourself, and since there was no reasoning thats one of the first things you'll probably do...but its not good to be presumptuous because most of the time, the situations we create are only happening in our heads.

Sometimes when I feel like I'm at rock bottom, I force a smile on my face...just the act of smiling makes things a little better. A lot of the time when I'm depressed I need a change..If things aren't going well the way you're living right now, then make some adjustments. They don't have to be big ones, but simply adding an extra walk to your day, or do something you never thought you'd do before..and as for being socially ancxious..I feel ya. I used to have terrible anxiety..I've lost jobs over it before..but I got better. It just takes time. I started hanging out at a local record store, and it was great..new people, good music, good times. You need to occupy yourself. I notice I'm the most depressed when I'm alone and doing nothing.

[Bilnek]

well my friend commited suicide a week ago....but she was really actin okay before she killed herself....im fuckin feelin like shit since then....what i want to ask what are the reasons except deppresion and bad relations wit friends.....u guys that want to kill yourself just think about the pain you will cause to the people that love you and understand that suicide aint the solution...

[viseversa101]

i dont really care to read thru n help out as much as it looks u guys do but i will say that i share the same thing, ive been on meds since i was 17 n almost 25 now, ive been to a psych ward like 3 times n hospitalized for shit ive done more then a few...i duno how but i kinda bury it away now adays and am pretty okay. i slit my wrist a while back n its a constant reminder to look at the scar n remember im not as bad as i was then..figured id share a little

[Bilnek]

u should go out and get laid =)
i really mean it....it helped me
what i wanted to know is can it be reckognized when a person wants to commit a suicide....my friend was actin usual till the day she killed herself

[syne7]

People plan suicide for months, thinking "should I do it today" every single morning that they wake up. I've had plenty of friends who tell me that they have considered suicide at one point. My bestfriend almost commited suicide when he saw his mom smoking crack, and even for me was harsh because we were young and after that day she would always tell me he wasn't home or that he didn't want to see me and when your 10 the feeling that someone hates you so much that they would lock their door just so they didn't have to see you leaves a pit at the bottom of your stomach that you slowly fall into. Mix that with being bullied physically by your peers and emotionally by your parents, leads to you staring at a knife in the middle of the day in your room with the lights off. Thinking how much would it hurt if I jabbed it through my neck, just so it would all go away. Even though that was a long time ago, I could never consider suicide anymore. Since I was 8 my dad had given me unlimited access to the internet and I grew attached to it, especially the gaming and coding. To me playing a few rounds of UT2k3 was almost a release of all worries. Then I found languages like VB which was easy enough to learn that I would spend days upon days trying to code a MP3 player or make a webpage out of HTML. Looking back I have to thank the internet for being an outlet to me, and if you consider suicide then you have to find your outlet, may it be graffiti or computers. Just keep your head up.

[Bilnek]

pilerskee....u have some serious problems....try that free hugs thing...it helps

[ManikOner]

first off, props to msfyt for making this thread.
I had a few years of my life where it was just depression, at maybe 9 to maybe 13 i was just super depressed and thought about suicide plenty of times. When i would get angry or sad it would show and i would freak. crying, not talking, just sitting all day, whatever. just like syne7 tho. i had outlets and sure enough, one of mine was computers. getting on my computer, playing games, coding, trying to make html sites for pointless crap. and then drawing. A lot of my feelings showed in my drawings at that time, they were usually creepy or sad. If you know Alex Pardee, it was similar to his stuff. I havent thought of it since then. art really worked as a big medium for me, all you need to do is find one. Skateboarding with friends helped me to. but then you get days where you dont land shit and you just get incredibly irritated. just take it easy and do stuff you like to do.

[JazeTSK]

Damn yo this shit caught be hard. bout a year ago my homeboy's girl hung herself in her closet. He just got out of a mental hospital yesterday for tryin to OD on Xanax, he never got over it. Nows he's back paintin and shit after a year from it.
My Sis just got out a few weeks ago for tryna kill herself.
Shit sucks yo.
It deffinitely helps bein a graffhead.
You see the world as such a better place.
Well at least I do.
Everything becomes beautiful in a sense...

[me_is_are_of_yu]

I've slit my wrist when I was 13 although my life has been always OK. I did it because of this. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nihilism) I'm okay these days, at least I am not considering suicide yet once you start to think about suicide, you can't get rid off this idea.

[SALVO]

Just because you might think you're a nihilist it doesn't mean you should kill yourself.
If anything you should feel more liberated, maybe bored, but not suicidal. If you truly believe that morality isn't inherent, and you actually could de-program yourself into a guiltless, impulsive person why would you feel sad? What is there to feel sad about?

[me_is_are_of_yu]

I didn't feel sad, guilty or impulsive lol and I agree, suicide is just as pointless as anything else.

[CrustOner]

I agree. I'm a nihilist.. ha.

[Bilnek]

im a pedophile but i don't brag goddamn -.-

[syne7]

im a cerial rapist, but i don't brag about it >.>

[weak0ner]

alot of shitty things happen in your life but there is always another way, you could always be one of these poor bastards.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rXPrfnU3G0

[Alts13]

Suicide is a horrible thing, it is totally selfish and the person that does it doesn't realise the impact it has on others, I am talking from the viewpoint that I am 31 now and since the age of about 16 I have contemplated suicide on numerous occasions and have attempted it a few times, but the thought of my family is the only thing to have stopped me.

The reasons for suicide vary for many people, for me when I was younger it was because I got caught up in hard drugs and saw no way out of it other than death, but I realised that it isn't the way and managed to work through that, mainly since then it has been depression that has caused me to think about it, just the feeling that life is a waste of time and that I no longer want to be part of it anymore, I locked myself away from friends and basically started drinking myself to death, which ended up with my wife leaving me and taking our son (he was only just born) since then I have realised what is important and have got my relationship with my wife back and am a happy person who trys to remain positive and I fight against the negativity I feel a lot of the time, I realise that I am needed by people and I would be an asshole if I topped myself.

I have pretty much stopped drinking completely apart from the occasional bottle of wine with my wife and I don't touch any drugs other than Weed.

Always try and talk to people, don't get stuck in the meds that doctors give you unless you get to the point that you dont feel you can continue but don't make them your crutch, I know it sounds crazy but get out and walk, exercise releases amazing endorphins in your mind and it is a great anti depressant, also write, get your thoughts on paper so you can read back and see good times etc, just don't think you are alone because there is always someone that will miss you.

[Bazer]

i sell rhymes like dimes.

[CrustOner]

Awzer, for the sake of not hurting anyone's feelings (and I mean that in the least offensive way, depressed people), sometimes you should just keep what you have to say to yourself. Regardless of my opinions on suicide, people still do it, and people are still depressed. Why not keep some members of the graffiti community alive?

[zaco]

the notion of an afterlife is kind of troubling. the thought that theres nothing else after this life keeps me distant from the idea of suicide. id rather have a life with problems and solutions instead of not existing any more

[RFI. SPit]

I'll continue to hand out bans for any disrespect in this thread. Awzer was first, who wants to be next?

[GrapeDutchmaster]

the idea passes through my head daily

[Noddles912300]

the notion of an afterlife is kind of troubling. the thought that theres nothing else after this life keeps me distant from the idea of suicide. id rather have a life with problems and solutions instead of not existing any more

The thought of an afterlife is what keeps me here. If I die I want to remain dead, not have to go through life once more.

[GritKid]

Probably the best thread on the whole of BS, I myself have acctually been in a position where i almost died from slitting my wrists, and if it wernt for my younger brother i would probably be dead. I know what its like when it feels your world is collapsing around you, not nice (N)

[NICCSACC]

my friend committed suicide a few years back. shits brutal. i woyuldnt do it personally. you never know whats on a persons mind...

[Noz]

ok, heres my prob,
im 15 y.o. and i got all dis fuckin stress. i used to be catholic, but im no longer relgious, i cant even see how someone can be ignorant and small-minded enough to actualy believe in god. (i really dnt mean to offend anyone whos religous, sorry)
i smoke weed, i feel it keeps me sane.
lately ive been feeling like crap, i hate skool nd feel its not 4 me. im havin probs with my girlfriend and i feel lyke theres really no point in life. i wanna die so bad... ive even tried to kill myse

[the cannabis evangelist]

to be honest noz that just sounds like a bunch of shit every 15 year old went thru
man up

[SAID]

no offence Noz, but thats normal man..
you claim that people are ''small minded'' but right now your acting weak man..

[Fury]

I think the earliest time was when I was around 3-4 when I wondered what it'd be like if I just opened the car door on a freeway and jumped out. There've been times when I've almost done it, but I have to keep talking myself out of it. A few years ago, I started to feel really down on myself and felt that nothing was going as planned. I contemplated suicide, but fortunately never did it. I've been asking people for years what they would do if I died, because I often feel I'm not wanted, I'm annoying, etc.

However, after my friend died in June of 2009 from being shot four times, I really considered what life meant to me. I thought of who would go to my funeral, what they would say, if I was a bad person, etc. There was just never a real answer I came up with and I got depressed for a while. I just felt like one day I would die, and that it was soon coming.

After that, my girlfriend of 3 years told me she was going to commit suicide. I'm not sure how long I was talking to her for, but it was the most pain I've ever felt in my life; the only woman I've ever fallen in love with was going to leave and never come back. I tried to make her feel better, but nothing was working. I tried to get her to call a suicide prevention hotline, but she just kept telling me "go to sleep, everything will be better in the morning." After constant begging, she ended up not doing it, seeing why she should live.

My life has turned around for the better, and I see a lot more positivity in life. I believe graffiti and the internet have helped me out a lot, mainly because of the reasons Syne stated. Looking back on it, it was a very selfish thing for me to think of: just killing myself and hoping people would regret being mean to me, hoping I was in a better place, etc. I won't go back to that time again.

[Stoked2PaintNY]

yo Noz you got a lot of growing up to do. i used to have the same thoughts when i was your age but hang in there man. if i would have went threw with it back then then heres just a few of the things i woulda missed
seeing all my favorite bands preform
f*cked this kinky chick in the ass
surfed 15ft waves
took a trip to the dominican (and got to touch up a piece at a hotel on there halfpipe)
skull f*ucked a different kinky chick lol
got wasted in one of the oldest pubs in america
met my girlfriend who im with now
insane nights of painting, and the list goes on. so if anyones ever thinking of doing it just remember, another can another wall, tomorrows another day.

[NICCSACC]

ok, heres my prob,
im 15 y.o. and i got all dis fuckin stress. i used to be catholic, but im no longer relgious, i cant even see how someone can be ignorant and small-minded enough to actualy believe in god. (i really dnt mean to offend anyone whos religous, sorry)
i smoke weed, i feel it keeps me sane.
lately ive been feeling like crap, i hate skool nd feel its not 4 me. im havin probs with my girlfriend and i feel lyke theres really no point in life. i wanna die so bad... ive even tried to kill myse
real talk fam-o... 15 is a cake walk. i know i know... i been there dude. dont fuckin do some dumb shit cuz youll also be killing your family bro.
wait till you gotta pay rent, nipsco, water, garbage, cable, phone, gas, taxes etc........ enjopy your life while you can kid.

[<[(Smokers187¤GS¤WM)]>]

the idea passes through my head daily

Used too frequently awhile back, stopped for a minute, and now the thoughts are coming back I got no girl no more, I'm possibly not going to graduate...well ima do maybe another year, my friends are all a bunch of fake flaky ass mutherfuckerz and idk why we kick, probly kuz we hate everyone else more than eachother. I'm a christian I guess, I learned that werte not supposed to call it a religion and blah blah blah but I haven't really been thinkin about christianity or anything I'm like in a emotionless sates, and I could care less if I got killed or killed myslef...damn I need sum real friends and a legit chick :/

[DagoR3M!X]

I know this is lame, but I'm new, and figure this fucken site out. How can I find a thread I posted? Please message me the help, since I wont be able to find this thread again, thanks.

[PulseWithLife]

Why would ya wanna kill ya self when ya got drugs and crime. Get rich or die trying.l Get on some drugs and start doing crime get some money buy a gun and if ya to much of a bitch to do jail time kill ya self

[fsu]

i'm new here, this is my first post, but this sounds like a great community to get involved with. :)

[fsu]

also i find any time im down i just blaze a bowl and feel better. Not saying turn to drugs at all just find something like graffiti that makes you happy.

[downunder]

Probably not serious, but don't do it man. Life is too short already, why make it shorter?

[MoganOne]

Good advice man respect!

[MoganOne]

I have been in and out of a fairly hectic relationship for the past 4 years. I am currently trying to overcome the depression from this relationship. I feel that my ex girl friend is the only girl I loved and will love for a long time that is why it is so hard for me to get over her... I thought about commiting suicide a few times not any plans or anthing but just hating life in general. But then I just realize that my mind is not in the right place. I have had a wonderful childhood and grew up with some great friends and family. Life is way worth living... Friends and relationships are what stress me out the most. I think it is because I expect to much out of them. But friends and girls will always come and go until you are ready to settle down or some shit lol.
Well anyways I have a friend that constintly talks about commiting suicide. He even puts it as his FaceBook status. I am one of the only friends that he has now because none of my other friends enjoy his company. He is a little nutty and he talks way too much. I feel bad for him but I feel that helpful advice is all I can provide for him. Also he really gets on my nerves at times too. I think he realizes it too, I just deal with him because I feel sorry for his ass. But the day he tried to kill himself I showed up at his crib. I was the only one to show up out of our twenty odd homies, kinda sad. But he told me I saved his life. That made me feel really good. It really shows that one can make a difference for the best. Helping people can make you feel better about your self.
So my advice to every stressed or depressed graffiti writer out there is look out for eachother because you would want your friends to do the same for you. Help others to help yourself.

[Noz]

man, you guys are right, i gotta grow up hehe... thnx alot everyone, you guys dnt kno how much youve helped me.. and thrice, your right, i hope that one day i can hav faith (nd sorry 4 sayin that shit bout relgion, i kno you are very religous)

[Hopeoner]

I can't see how people who are religous don't understand the fact that their are thousands of confident ideologies. If you were born in a tribe in third world Africa that raised you to believe in an underwater god and told you everday of your life everything that is, was, and ever will be is made by an underwater god, chances are, your going to believe just that.

[Hopeoner]

Also, that whole "homosexuality is a choice" thing is bull honkey. Its been proven that its a chemical imbalance in the brain. Not the "devil". I understand that they mean its a choice to pursue those feelings, but its not a choice to feel those feelings. That contridiction between biology and ideology is what causes some young kids to commit suicide.

[Hopeoner]

Your talking about how stupid I am yet you are assigning homosexuals a certain way to walk and talk. Im gay and I don't act like those fruity mofos with the short shorts. Also props on completly ignoring the fact I said its a chemical imbalance in the brain. You can't say ok im gay now, thats like sayin ok im going to be black today and white tomorrow. Im sorry I dismissed you religous belifes so quickly but i wasnt raised in a religous faimly and to say all that it just sounds like jesus was a narsacist

[Hopeoner]

sorry about multi post im on a psp. Have you even heard about those boys who have a lack of testostron and conform to their societies view of a girl? another example of imbalanced chemicals in our brains. our minds are fragil and can be warped like nothing. especialy as a child. i respect that you dont spread your belifes because people are supposed to find god not the other way around. but without others to spread it how would it have reached African tribes? it would be a completly foreign idea.

[Flawless Victory]

That's just fucking retarded. There are no gay 8 year olds.

There aren't any straight ones, either.
8 year old boys aren't interested in sex, sir.

[Flawless Victory]

you mean eat his flesh?


Omnipotence is a paradox.

[Hopeoner]

You obviously don't know shit about Neurology. Don't waste anymore of my time.

why because i didnt sit in on ONE class? your right. my bad.

[anti-anti-crime]

Holy shit why is their so much hate going on in this thread? Have you guys ever heard 'to every man his own?' For fucks sake, we're all on the same forum, and we're all in the same thread for a reason. If your not in this thread cause you need help or want to help, get the fuck out. I'm serious, Thrice, along with anybody else in this thread who's here for the right reason, does NOT need you fucking bullshit on top of there own problems. So if your not going to help in any way, constructive or other wise, you just need to go troll somewhere else.

On the lighter side.

Thrice: I've struggled with my own sexuality through my teenage hood, and I can't easily say it was because of the times I was sexually abused. I don't know why, I thought I was bi for sometime. But I know that I'm not now. Whatever reason your friend has, it isn't easy to say it was just a single event that caused him to want dick. If he knows now that he's straight or completely gay, or still bi, their isn't one single contributing factor to make him the way he is. One can argue it is because he's human that he's straight, just as well as one could argue he's gay because he has a chemical imbalance.

Okay. As for myself. I'm not struggling right now, but life isn't too great, either. I don't have a car, so I haven't seen my girl in forever. I'm finishing up high school, which is good. But that also means I need to find a place to stay, a car, and a job. Along with struggling with my own mental problems for some time, I've been trying to sort out other shit in my life that needs to get sorted out. With all this, it's fair to say I'm stressed. I've dealt with much, much more, but since when is stress something easy to deal with? Stress = depression in my head. The more stress, the far more depressed I get. Fuckin' chemicals ain't changing that, and neither is therapy.

[Thrice]

I mean religious beliefs would be applicable in a suicide thread, tends to involve spirituality for many people who are diagnosed.

Anti: My recommendation for you is to try to get in school part time or full time, whatever works. Even community college is better than no education at all, don't want to sit around and do jack shit with ur life, trust me things will only get worse. Im sure you can apply for some financial aid as well as get on some student loans. That way you have more time to worry about getting a car/job, but by the time you graduate im sure you'll have somethingn going for you. I myself am going to have to pay 25k in student loans when I get out of school, but Im able to make some dough along the way to support myself and 2 years in am already having some heavy jobs setup that will have a legit pay out. Financial stress is common and a big pain in the ass, especially at times like these. I'd just go for loans and give yourself some breathing room. Too young to have to worry about living place, car, and job considering you haven't even entered college yet.

[KAZonee]

wen i was about 12 my brother died in a fire in my house wen i herd that he died i cudnt really believe it hit me hard the thing that hurt me the most was that i never sed iloveyou or anything like that too him the only reason i started writin was becuz of his death so icud cope with it idk like sometimes i jus feel like i can end my life just make all over soo quick wid a simple knife just to get away from all these peopl bitchen at you gettin stressed out over stupid shit but then you think how sad your mother wud be if her baby died or worse killed himself but im only 15 its wayy to young to be ending your life wen you got so much to live for i feel like a lil gurl just comin on a forum and sayin this but i miss my brother

[Hopeoner]

double post i know.

KAZ thats sad man. i feel for you. nobody should go through that but your brother would want you to live life until something stops you. i cant imagine what its like to lose a brother so young. for it to happen not to long ago i can see why you would feel that way. just try and stay in there bro.

[menso]

i thought about killin myself many times.. graff keeps me sane.... when i woke up and found my mom screamin on the ground and she died by my side it fucked me up...then my dad left the picture told me he wanted nothing to do with me after she died... stressin bout this everyday... music helps too

[Punx]

Separation of Church and State. Laws and Sins do coincide, but vary as well. Sure the Gov't acts as an Order of Society, as does God to Mankind, but God is perfected. Not some delusional ill-valued politician. Also Judaism among other faiths don't believe in a Hell, so please do specify. You do influence the chemicals within your brain. After attending some of my friend's Neurology and BME courses I can tell you that the brain is not beyond your own control. Serial Killers tend to have similar brain patterns and Biological Makeup, yet they chose to kill people. It's not like they were destined to slaughter people, there are others people with brains similar to Ted Bundy's that haven't killed people.

True, some people like Ted Bundy act upon there tendencies more than just any other human being and actually go more in depth with whatever is inside their heads which tells them to commit serial killings.

[ChemDawggyJohnson]

as bad as this sounds, I wouldve done it if I never started writing, I grew up in a little suburban town with a bunch of bitchass kids, never had a real circle of friends. after losing the few true friends I had and my pops to drug overdoses, I had some damn dark days. I never liked hard drugs, so I guess graf was my outlet, or activity to help ease the pain and forget about the shitty hand that life dealt me. Now, Im pretty stable and try to be there for people I see that remind me of myself.

[FuckTheFame]

feel like dying today

[PulseWithLife]

feel like dying today

Funny its only been lately that the thought of killing myself has come into my head. I have started to have no energy or happyness about any thing. Lifes getting harder to deal with by the day. I feel like the whole world is out to get me. What happends when mates turn out to not be mates ? What happends when even family aint there for ya any more ? The meaning of life just ponders threwout my mind till answers are seen

[PulseWithLife]

On the other hand ive learned that if lifes fucked ya gotta change it for yourself. No Unity just you and me reefer, the pain, contaminate your vains thinkin things gonna change

[Loki X Sho]

When you find that you're a lone wolf, you find a new wolf pack. There will always be accepting people in the world..I'm here alone at school hours away from every one that I love allll for the first time, and its real lonely..but you learn to care about people every where that you go. Things will work out if you want them to and if you put in an effort!
And if theres one thing I learned, by all means ponder the meaning of life, but don't take your conclusions to heart because nobody knows the real answers. Let your mind rest and just hang on.

[butt3rs]

im new to this website and the graffiti community altogether, this is my first post. 4 years ago when i was in the 6th grade (i was 12) i felt that i was unwanted, people didnt want to be around me, i would eat lunch by myself every day, i wouldnt talk to anyone. Around the middle of the year i started talking to 2 girls and eventually i became friends with them. One day i opened up to one of the girls who told the other one how i had felt, that i was contemplating suicide. They told my guidance counselor who i would see every day for months after school about the issue. When she told my parents, i had to see a psychiatrist. During all these sessions, nothing seemed to heelp and i felt like that i wanted to die. I thought what would people say if i was dead. I knew my parents would cry but i wondered about the kids in school, would they joke about it. I eventually became good friends with the girl who told my guidance counselor how i had felt. During the 7th grade everything seemed fine in my life. When I was in the 8th grade, the same girl who told me i was like a brother to her, stopped talking to me after she became friends with a kid who would punch me, put food in my hair, and get everyone to pick on me. The 8th grade was a year of hell that i kept my feelings masked and didnt tell anyone how i felt. My first year of high school (finished freshman year this previous june) me and my family went to a family counselor for my brother who was unmotivated to do anything. On the car ride back i opened up to my mom how i felt about kids in school and how on a daily basis i contemplated suicide. You could say that my life is repetition. I still had mixed emotions, the greatest compliment i ever got from a girl was that im a great guy, she was drunk when she said that. Even though i have those mixed feelings, i know i would never commit suicide just because i dont have the guts to do it, maybe theres a tiny part of me inside that knows things will get better one of these days. People pick on me cus of being straight edge, but i shrug at it. Theres always something to live for, someone once told me that, and i believe it. You cant expect your life to go from bad to good in a heart beat, you can have to take the steps and change your life. I could go on and on about this but one last thing ill say before summing this up, music really helped me get through hard time. Anyway, if you bothered to read this long ass thing or merely skim it, either way i appreciate it.

[ChemDawggyJohnson]

im new to this website and the graffiti community altogether, this is my first post. 4 years ago when i was in the 6th grade (i was 12) i felt that i was unwanted, people didnt want to be around me, i would eat lunch by myself every day, i wouldnt talk to anyone. Around the middle of the year i started talking to 2 girls and eventually i became friends with them. One day i opened up to one of the girls who told the other one how i had felt, that i was contemplating suicide. They told my guidance counselor who i would see every day for months after school about the issue. When she told my parents, i had to see a psychiatrist. During all these sessions, nothing seemed to heelp and i felt like that i wanted to die. I thought what would people say if i was dead. I knew my parents would cry but i wondered about the kids in school, would they joke about it. I eventually became good friends with the girl who told my guidance counselor how i had felt. During the 7th grade everything seemed fine in my life. When I was in the 8th grade, the same girl who told me i was like a brother to her, stopped talking to me after she became friends with a kid who would punch me, put food in my hair, and get everyone to pick on me. The 8th grade was a year of hell that i kept my feelings masked and didnt tell anyone how i felt. My first year of high school (finished freshman year this previous june) me and my family went to a family counselor for my brother who was unmotivated to do anything. On the car ride back i opened up to my mom how i felt about kids in school and how on a daily basis i contemplated suicide. You could say that my life is repetition. I still had mixed emotions, the greatest compliment i ever got from a girl was that im a great guy, she was drunk when she said that. Even though i have those mixed feelings, i know i would never commit suicide just because i dont have the guts to do it, maybe theres a tiny part of me inside that knows things will get better one of these days. People pick on me cus of being straight edge, but i shrug at it. Theres always something to live for, someone once told me that, and i believe it. You cant expect your life to go from bad to good in a heart beat, you can have to take the steps and change your life. I could go on and on about this but one last thing ill say before summing this up, music really helped me get through hard time. Anyway, if you bothered to read this long ass thing or merely skim it, either way i appreciate it.

yo butters, dont sweat these clowns who fuck with you, but don't let them do it either... if you allow that to go on , you'll be there permenant bitch for all of your teenage years. there is always something to live for and you need to set a good example for your brother. young girls are usually attracted to douche bags that fiend for attention, thats just how it is, be patient and you'll find a chick that can think for herself and see the good in you. in the meantime, hit ur book and stand up for yourself. things'll play out in the long haul

[2mor]

yo butters man, if that shits still goin on...dont take it, i know its scary but psyche yourself up and next time the guy give you shit bust him in the nose, all of them guys are fuckin pussies trust me....the worst that could happen is ya get the shit kicked out of ya, but that does happen from time to time to everyone, and believe me people will think alot more of ya for standin up for yaself...im not sayin violence is always the answer but guy sounds like some people i knew at skool and when the guy the picked on bust one of their noses, no shit ever again, and everyone startin talkin to him and be like hey i heard you slapped frank or whoever yeah that guys a dick......rocky balboa style butters, the most important punch of your social life

[..romero..]

my family is a wreck.my friends have all but ditched me.i havent talked to anyone in months.im completely stressed and depressed.it feels like no one gives a fuck about me.i dont know whether to be sad or angry...im tired.i dont care anymore.the only thing stopping me is the thought that one day it will all be better...and flawless victory's new sig.

[Loki X Sho]

Now that you've recognized whats making you upset, remove yourself from that. I know its easier said than it is done, but the least you can do is try some new things, meet some new people. A lot of people are afraid to leave their comfort zone, but when you have no comfort zone left, then it leaves a lot of opportunity for improvement. Its hard to pull a complete life 180, but it can be done. A lot of the time you find yourself saying "nobody cares, they don't even call anymore.." you don't realize you have the ability to change that. Just start talking to some old friends again, go out one night and have a good time. I know the phone works both ways, sometimes you just gotta initiate things. You can get yourself back in the swing of things! And when all else fails, looks at FV's sig.

[unreal180]

8 year old boys aren't interested in sex, sir.

Dammn.

Anyway,
whenever i feel depressed i just wack on the jerremy kyle show
http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:YSiHNmTln4occM:http://filesmelt.com/downloader/chav2.jpg&t=1
http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Arts/Arts_/Pictures/2007/10/05/viviennevyle460.jpg
ego boost!

[..romero..]

i need to find better friends.everyone is cool with me when im doin good and got money or paint or drugs or whatever.but when im broke and goin through shit they all want to disappear.ive tried calling them.but they are always to busy to do anything.so i give up.i mean if i ever want to do something or hang out they find excuses and shit.but when i got things poppin they are the first ones knocking on my door and window tryna get the hook up.i used to talk to alot of people in school.but because i lived so far away from them i never socialized outside of school.so now that i dropped out i dont have those ties.my only real friend was haser and he left.i had alot of other cats i used to fuck with since like 5th grade but they turned bitch and snitched on me.the only other person outside of haser that ever truly cared about me left and moved a good 60 miles away.the people over here are just so trife though.its hard to make good friends.everyones always scheming and shit.then i got to go home and have my mother tell me im worthless and that im a piece of shit and a faggot or a motherfucker or that she wishes i was never born and shit.i hear that every day and it wears on you.its not like before when she would beat you and you know fight you and shit.because i can fight back.but once she says that shit the damage is done.i feel like im turning into her.a lonely angry person with a grudge against the world.i dont want to be like that.i think thats why i got problems with self esteem and have to constantly prove myself to people.i know i do it on here i probably do it irl.i dont wanna kill myself because i just feel like its probably not all bad i mean there are others out there with more shit goin on who pull through.most of my feelings are just from having depression and hsit.the lonelyness and stress just adds to the effect of the depression.my problems arent that bad i dont think its just i cant shake this depressive feeling.and the fact that i have no one to talk to and get my mind off it makes it build up...its hard having no support system,no family that gives a fuck about you and no real friends to be there for you either.i just feel like i gotta face everything on my own.i practically raised myself.and its like boxing with mike tyson and gettin stole on and having no one in your corner.thats what it feels like for me.

[FuckTheFame]

it could be worse
you could be schizophrenic man
life is a lot worse when your depressed have no friends...and hear voices
im actually afraid to go outside
graffiti can be a huge therapy...until i would get jittery
i hear voices in my head saying "just write on it" and shit like that
shitty homelife really sucks tho man
i wish i had a answer for you
finding religion is a good way to go about it sometimes
its like "god" can be your imaginary friend or something
and that "god" can be whatever higher power you want it to be
hell it can even be YOU
then sooner or later after a while of brainwashing yourself into thinking that way you can become god
as long as you think that your god cares
im more of a man of science
i believe there could be a god...but noone ever gave the thought that maybe it doesnt care
but then again im kind of insane so it helps take away from hope if your like that
sometimes you just gotta tell yourself...im super funkin cool
haha just look in the mirror and say or something
its a lot easier to go through life being a goofball and just silently bearing your cross
because we all got a cross to bear these days
its always good to try and find inner peace
as wack as it sounds what harm is it to try it
its kind of like your holier then thou among people...but your not trying to one up them
its like your trying to show them the way if they are problem starters
its like if you set up your own morals you'll have your own self cool...your zen if you will
my problem is i got so fucking "pure" i forgot how to give myself credit for it
try being the nice guy who hates the world
those shoes suck man and they're mine
plus i have people reading my thoughts everywhere i go
just remember man your life could always be worse
take control i guess and make it for the better
and if not crawl in the bottle and just dont come out
because ill be real with ya...life is a bitch

[PulseWithLife]

Dammn.

Anyway,
whenever i feel depressed i just wack on the jerremy kyle show
http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:YSiHNmTln4occM:http://filesmelt.com/downloader/chav2.jpg&t=1
http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Arts/Arts_/Pictures/2007/10/05/viviennevyle460.jpg
ego boost!

This show will make ya people feel better youtube it

[butt3rs]

wow thanks for the love guys, i mainly ignore what people say, they try to bring me down because they feel as shitty as i do. New year starts tomorrow, 10th grade. Most people leave my alone, there is the select few who manage to find a way into my head. Ive never defended myself, thats proboly one of the reasons ive felt shitty by what people say about me, the fact that i have no back bone to stand up for myself

[GuyGuyer of Guyland]

find something to do with yourself rather than be self conscience, forreal. itll help. you guys feel down on yourself because you watch everyone get bigguped while you sit down an get nothin. GET YOURS. whether its knowledge, graffiti, sports or whatever. do what you do. stop sittin on the internet being sad an shit ya know?

you get what you take, if you aint gettin up to take yours. you aint gettin shit. look on the bright side, you live once. even pain is better than not existing. at least in my eyes. appreciate everything.

butters, do something to boost confidence. as bad as it sounds. smoke a joint or get drunk. drugs an alcohol fucks you up. but if you can control that shit in modest amounts, itll help open your third eye and boost self confidence. not sayin become a self destructive alcohlic IE me. but ya know, jam out an take it easy. dont bug on popularity. cuz everyones a loser in someone elses eyes.

[unreal180]

because ill be real with ya...life is a bitch

but if it wasa slut it would be easy

[anti-anti-crime]

Guy is right. Get up and fucking do something instead of sitting around doing nothing. One of the main things I noticed about my own depression - and other people's in the same nut house - is that when your keeping distracted and doing something, you're NOT sitting around stuck in your head, and thus, you don't feel like shit.. as much at least. Sitting around and doing nothing is probably the worst thing you could do when your suicidal.

I know I completely trailed off from what guy was actually saying, but whatever.

Right now, I'm just starting College. I left my girlfriend (honestly feel like shit about it. Not going into it though.), so I have nothing to do in my spare time. I don't make friends because I'm afraid to. I try and talk to people but I just sound retarded, and after that I just feel like shit and start putting my self down further and further until "the box," is open. The box refers to the thoughts, memories, and self hatred I have.

Suicide is starting to become a main subject in my mind, once more. I have my coping mechanisms, but like before, their going to stop working and I'm eventually going to turn to my old methods of coping, which would probably be the death of me.

Romero - Friends are tricky mother fuckers. The kind that you speak of are scavengers. Like vultures, really. They fly around looking for meat (your weed, paint, what have you.) and then leave once the carcass is picked clean. It's a depressing thought, but a lot of people are like this. Doesn't mean you shouldn't keep looking for someone down to earth about a friendship, because those people are out there too. Just look for them.

About your Mother, and your family in general. She sounds like, from what you describe of her, a miserable cunt. But look at things for the big picture. WHY is she saying that shit to you? Well it's for a couple reasons most likely:
1. She hates herself. This is a no brainer and no doubt true. People who put others down, specifically in your case, are themselves in there own eyes a failure so they must make people feel how they do. From what I've seen of it, and experienced, you can break these people down by showing it doesn't matter what they think of you.
2. She's a cunt.

Don't let her get to you, if you start telling yourself that shit and feeling it's true, you've lost. Not life, not anything, but you've lost control over your own self image. Maintain it, don't look in the mirror for days, listen to music the second you walk into the house until you slam the door behind you to leave, laugh as much as you can, smile as much as you can, frown only when you need to. Smile the tears of disappointment - laugh off the sense of loneliness.

Depression is a disease. It's a festering fucking sore that stays open and gets worse. It's pressure, it's stress, it's sadness, it's the very essence of pain bottled up and delivered to you unwillingly. It's hard to deal with because the pressure keeps building up and building up day by day and there's no way to release it in your mind. There is though, throw a ball against a wall, punch your pillow, or combine the two and punch a ball -- or a wall. Not literally, but you get me. It's stress that needs to be released. Like a valve, until it is turned the pressure is not leaving. I wish I could be more help on this subject, I'm great at dealing with the pain myself because I've lived with it all my life, but I'm shitty at helping other with theres.

Butters - Keep ya' head up. It's a shitty rap for being different, but eventually people will stop giving a shit. They'll leave you alone eventually. And when they do it'll get better. You'll feel better and you'll make new friends, the same as you, people who will accept you. I feel like their's more your not putting out, but whatever the issue is, don't ever consider suicide as the way out. Because if you take that route, every single person thats ever tormented you, or bullied you, or put you down wins. It might seem like they already did, but they didn't. In the end YOUR the one taking there shit, and your the one who's gunna' grow up tough as fuck because of it. When your 18, your going to notice the stress of life isn't getting to you as much as it is to others. Things don't piss you off that make others furious. This is Karma. Things will go your way, just keep on going.

[ChemDawggyJohnson]

go fucking paint instead of being all depressed and shit, after you mob ur local blvd or freeway, then lets see if you wanna off yourself, i bet you'll wanna get a nice night of sleep so you could get up and do it all over again, and again and again. you think dudes like YNOTSE would tolerate people whining about how bad there life is. Dude would probably do anything to come back just for 1 night and paint. You guys have all the time in the world, make use of it and do graffiti. You are on a graf forum, so you must be interested in it.

[Msfyt]

This thread makes me smile... I know kind of weird.
But the support in here is strong and nothing more real than words of people that have been there.

Depression gets easier as you get older, because you rely more on yourself and eventually there comes a point that you just don't care what other people think.
So sadly just toughing it out everyday works.

I'm not a big fan of this get drunk and do drugs stuff, but I did it too. And it did open my mind to stuff but that disillusion to life grows old and eventually you need to face reality. Plus don't lower your own personal expectations, raise them be better than what is going on around you.

[Teknic]

ive tried twice and im thinking about trying again...

[Teknic]

im a toy, but ive got a natural talent for graff. it makesm e forget how loneley i am and how much everything sucks. but my parents wont let me do it and im under lock and key

[unreal180]

it sounds like your about 14? surly things aint that bad.
for all you loneley mother fuckers stop sitting on the fucking internet all day! your never making friends on bombing science! If your too much of a gimp to be friencds with cool kids, go make friends with some even more gimpy cunts.

i fucking hate this tread

[/DaNk\]

Loosin it hardcore about to go off the fucking deep end. Best friend ran off with my fiancée today. Walked the streets for hours lookin for the mother fucker, and that bitch. Puttin him in acoma if i see his ass. Life's a bitch then you die. Feels like its not worth shit now. Im feel my self fallin deeper into this fucking hole. Drugs only numb it to a certin extent. Lifes shit.

[cushcota94]

Hey everyone,
I'm just getting into graff and I guess I'm a toy or whatever, since I barely started, but yeah. I can relate to this thread.
I just got out of the hospital for attempted suicide, anorexia, cutting and bulimia.
I almost got back into that shit, but instead, I picked up a pen and started sketchin graff and it's basically saved me from myself. it's what I do all day everyday now and I'm getting better at it. I hope to be there to support anyone who needs it and to get support.
Peace.
Purge

[Loki X Sho]

Loosin it hardcore about to go off the fucking deep end. Best friend ran off with my fiancée today. Walked the streets for hours lookin for the mother fucker, and that bitch. Puttin him in acoma if i see his ass. Life's a bitch then you die. Feels like its not worth shit now. Im feel my self fallin deeper into this fucking hole. Drugs only numb it to a certin extent. Lifes shit.

Sorry, man. If you look at it differently, good thing you didn't marry this bitch. Look at what kind of person she is. Better it happened before the knot was tied. Now you can relax and have time for yourself. Go do something cool that you used to do before you were together. Get a sense of yourself as yourSELF again..not as a second half. And as for your best friend. Fuck that guy dude. Let them have each other if they're sketchy. You shouldn't do drugs when you're depressed..they're supposed to help you have fun..so wait until you start to feel better before you influence your mind with other substances. You're in a rut now, but surely you'll get out of it. Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you..the good and bad things. You just took a hard fall, but your chance to get back up will come soon enough. Just wait for it, and instead of dwelling in your head, work it out. Untie the knots man...start fresh.

[Res-tooth Slims]

everyones life falls apart at some point....im going to be spending time in jail because of what i had to do the other night...i had just moved to a different city and most the people i have met so far are fucking snakes....they let me down and now im getting fucked over..i dont know what to do with my life and i hope i can make it to the good times

[-SURFA-UK]

I actually thought abot making this thread a while back
And hope that it can stay on track and be helpful to those that need it most

Sadly BS has come to realize how serious suicide can be, by loosing two of our most talented members

Ive also noticed that we arent very supportive here in our own community.
We can clearly see that in the whatyalooklike thread.

There could also be a connection in the fact that graffiti is a frowned upon by society. It's hard to make our parents, gf's, etc happy and proud when we are getting arrested and in trouble with the law.

Personally Ive also noticed (no offense to anyone) that graffiti writers tend to be the kinda person that dont fit in with other groups. Usually because as artists we see beyond just fitting in.

Anyways I dont really know what we can cover in this thread, but I'm hoping anyone out there in need of help realizes there are resources for you. People who you can turn to and who wont judge you. People like your school concuiller, kids help line, your teacher, etc and they are usually well trained to deal with depression and suicide.

Being depressed is very common, and I'm sure most people have had the thought of suicide cross their minds. So you are not alone with the pain you feel, we have all been there. The best thing to do is vent, express those feelings to someone you trust because tackeling depression alone is hard and usually we end up in our own deeper ditch of pity.

So to all you out there trying discover if life is worth it, it is but it may take alot of time before you can see that light again. Being happy doesnt happen in a heart beat it can take a whole life time, but dont rush your lifetime and end it early otherwise your pain will be passed on to others that cared deeply for you (and sadly the ones you want to feel your pain wont even care).

Here is the Canada Kids Help Line
www.kidshelp.sympatico.ca
1-800-668-6868

The Suicide Information & Education Centre
www.siec.ca/

...and the US
Natl. Referral Network for Kids In Crisis
1-800-KID-SAVE (543-7283)

National "YOUTH" Crisis Helpline
1-800-999-9999

National Hopeline Network
1-800-SUICIDE or 784-2433

SPANUSA-Suicide Prevention Advocacy Network
1-888-649-1366

Suicide Information & Education Center
1-403-245-3900

Survivors of Suicide/American Foundation of Suicide Prevention
1-800-723-7985


...and worldwide
http://www.befrienders.org/ - A 24-Hour confidential e-mail service by the Samaritans)

Sick thread i agree with most of what your saying, depends on what type of person you are aswell though bro.

[-SURFA-UK]

everyones life falls apart at some point....im going to be spending time in jail because of what i had to do the other night...i had just moved to a different city and most the people i have met so far are fucking snakes....they let me down and now im getting fucked over..i dont know what to do with my life and i hope i can make it to the good times

Keep friends close and enemies closer bro, What happened you got snitched on?

[Msfyt]

it sounds like your about 14? surly things aint that bad.
for all you loneley mother fuckers stop sitting on the fucking internet all day! your never making friends on bombing science! If your too much of a gimp to be friencds with cool kids, go make friends with some even more gimpy cunts.

i fucking hate this tread

just cause you feel lonely doesn't mean you don't have friends
depression isn't about getting outside the house or surrounding yourself with people

i know most of you will find this video kind of gay
but hey im a girl and like all inspirations of inner reflection
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs&feature=player_embedded

[Loki X Sho]

i know most of you will find this video kind of gay
but hey im a girl and like all inspirations of inner reflection
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs&feature=player_embedded



I love that, msfyt...thanks! <3 !!

"Lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it."

seriously check out that link...she makes a lot of good points..

[Res-tooth Slims]

just cause you feel lonely doesn't mean you don't have friends
depression isn't about getting outside the house or surrounding yourself with people

thats so true ae...even when you have plenty of people around you sometimes you still feel as if your all alone...often no one else even suspects that you feel shit

@ -surfa-uk i had to beat these guys with a bar because everone who i was with ran away...not what i wanted to do..and then they snitched on me

[supaskunkk]

not gna lie i teared up readin some of this shit n thinkin back to when ive had some fuckin bad depression. i get such a thrill holding a blade to my wrist but never actually cutting myself. maybe thts a good thing cuz idk if id ever actuly do it cuz when i rly think about it i have so much to live for but at the time i jus wanna die so i dnt have to deal with anything

[supaskunkk]

*i have cut myself just nothing life threatning

[chalo500]

Doing math is good for depression. I know it sounds weird, but it works. Your mind changes because you are solving problems instead of being stuck. It is not a permanent solution, but is does give you a break. I know how it feels to be without hope. The worse is that you think of killing yourself and it doesn't seem like it will solve anything either. Like you will keep on going on your shit.

[ASEN]

I think about it sometimes. Never enough to actually carry it out, i don't think, but still the thoughts sometimes take up so much space in my head until something random comes along and changes my focus. I find that whenever i'm bored i just start thinking about all the crappy stuff that happenned to me, and how much crappy stuff is still gonna happen to me.

I guess the most important thing is keeping your mind stimulated. Like the guy above me said, math, or any other mental activity does distract from the bad thoughts. I find that playing music is a saving grace for a lot of negative emotions. Another aspect of the problem i've come to consider is how any physical activity releases the mind of it's clutches. As if you could transfer mental pain into physical pain. I think any activity of any kind validates existence and furthers vitality.

Excellent thread, it's very important that this subject becomes general discussion.

[Msfyt]

Do to the numerous teen/gay suicides this week I think it's important how even though it might be funny to jump the bully bandwagon and not really mean it, it's about time we take a higher road and realize that everyone is here to be exactly like the ooohhh sooo cool you.

Anyways here is info on a very cool project called "it gets better", cause I know that during high school the pain may be a lot to carry. But like the project says it does get better, high school is the breeding ground for hate and bullying. It's never your fault that you are who you are, be proud and in the end showing them that living a fulling life is the best way to show them up. This project lets lost people know they aren't alone, even though it might feel like it. And that many of us once felt the same way, but now have the strength to fight back. Gay, straight, nerdy, fat, slow, slutty.... fuck them, make life about you, not them... cause they aren't worth your time.

http://www.youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject#p/f/225/6o1io2oA1dg
http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1649114/20100930/story.jhtml

RIP Tyler Clementi 18yrs old
http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1649057/20100930/story.jhtml

RIP Seth Walsh 13 yrs old
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-20018025-504083.html

RIP Ahser Brown 13yrs old
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/metropolitan/7220896.html

RIP Jeanine Blanchette 21yrs old , and Chantal Dube 17yrs old
http://www.thestar.com/news/gta/article/870124--family-led-search-party-finds-bodies-of-missing-women-in-orangeville

RIP Billy Lucas 15yrs old
http://theoriginalgreenwichdiva.com/billy-lucas-commits-suicide-after-being-bullied-at-greensburg-high-school/12692/


Seriously kids grow up a little and start treating people with respect.
Or better yet stop being apathetic stand up to these bullies even if it isn't you being bullied, have a heart.
I hope some of you out there are touched by these poor people's pain cause this just breaks me.

[Venile]

I hate to say, some people can deal with death so fine it sickens me, like people who aren't phased by it.
The worst part was it was me, my cousin and his dad had this friend, mid-30s, we still don't know what happened, but my uncle was a volunteer fire fighter who had seen this many times but when he got the call, got to the hotel and found his friend with a desert eagle, his ran out, ran to his house and told my cousin, I was in the living room and I heard everything, it was sad too cause the guy would come over drink and we(uncle, cuz,me &him) would play rock band all night, the guy seemed like the happiest pesron in the world, from what i know, it was cause of his ex-wife...

I hate to think that sometimes the cause of someones depression and decisions is someone they loved.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Also had a friend who was a sister to me, since 6th we've been tight and she didn't have the best life so anytime i could I'd make her happy.
one night, she couldn't take it, she tried killing herself a 2nd or 3rd time(I forget), and I was talking to her on the phone, after she took the pills.. I calmed her to the point where see had changed her mind, and I'm thankful to say I wasn't too late..
She lived a mile from me, so I hauled ass, called the cops on the way and I got there before them, rang the bell like crazy and her mom answered asking me wtf i was doing, bolted up stairs and knocked down the door, I waited there with her til the cops and amberlamps got there, then I went with her to the hospital, I was that determined not to loose her, and I'm glad cause she lived to find a guy, work shit out with her mom and now she's happier than ever, we don't talk much, but when we do it's like we never stopped, and I'll call her every so often outa the blue to smoke out and she's always down, it's good to know you can help someone and be the voice or ear they need.

Ever since I've still been indifferent to it, but I talk to people that are depressed or sad just outa compassion and not wanting their friends to go through what my uncle and cuz went through and what was playing out in my head the that time with my friend, it was like a world with less colors..

I know it's been said, but I hope anybody feeling down or contemplating it with turn to us and confide in people , even a complete stranger could change a life and shit like this is a step towards saving more than 1 life.

[PulseWithLife]

honestly im so fucking sick of life, i barely fucking cope with this shit anymore

you got three dollars ? go to your local store and pick up a 40OZ of malt liquor

[2mor]

This show will make ya people feel better youtube it

cant believe a girl i rooted ended up on there,never live it down haha, sooo shameful when i saw it ,this makes me suicidal!!!

[4menace2society0]

ahh ya, you can always drown the pain with whatever, buts its gunna come back
its just hard son

[GuyGuyer of Guyland]

pain is still better than not existing in my eyes. its all in your head, realize that. you can surround yourself with whoever you want. but it dosent matter who youre around. if youre a stranger in your own head. then youre always gonna be lonely and in pain.

work on that shit first. deadin yourself is just a pathetic escape for the weak. you have one chance at life. you dont get a second. its better to finish the game than be that little fuck who whines an cries and dosent even wanna play the game, then quits early. nevermind try to win it.

[GhostfaceKILLAH]

menace holla fammo im up in this now i cant reach you on fb or ps3

[PulseWithLife]

i feel you homie, i dont show my emotions, i bottle everything up and im just sick of it, suicide? never that but it feels good to talk about it to people who understand you know what im saying
its just tough son, but you gotta keep it concrete in this world or you'll go down real quick

Just found this video. Speaking some wisdom


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zb_wv8z0ey4

[wesk.]

man straight up i teard up reading this stuff but let me say somthing i was bullied.I saw some kid from 7th grade gettin beat up by a 8th grader i asked a kid who was watchin why he was doin this the kid said that the sev stood up for himself man i thought fuck it i jumped in beat the kid into the ground his older brother punched me out afterwards but the next year i was in 10th the sev who was now a 8th grader told me thank you and he was tellin me how when i beat that kid up it was givin hi hope that somone could help and he cried cause that one kid bullied him, that night i cried myself to sleep thinkin that i had bullied somone before and man i just wanted to die because i had hurt somone mentally and i felt so fuckin bad but know i had told the kid that i was sorry for bullying him now we are friends and i just want you guys to know when you see somone gettin bullied stand up for the kid he might be to scared to do it himself even if it means you gettin beat up.
graffiti gave me hope when i was suicidal
WESK.DFA.MTN
FUCK BULLIES

[Juelz Santana]

damn some of you fools are tragic.life is good theres motherfuckin kids in wheelchairs wit all sorts of fucked up things goin on and your cryin over your shit. some of you are pathetic. everyones got problems dont be selfish. atleast let ya boy juelz come through and rip a couple holes in you with a .357

[Juelz Santana]

you nikkaz is so soft i hate this website

[Juelz Santana]

if your fighting depression and suicide graff aint your thing.its ruined my life and so many writers kill themselves.it just adds the problems son.i dont gives a fuck so i do what i gota do.you guys ever seen some of these writers.drug addict creeps no friends disconnected from family.shits a drug im tellin you newb ass nikkaz now.but i love this drug ;)

[ChadWarden]

i wonder if this guy^ is an african american? hmm

[Juelz Santana]

i wonder if this guy^ is an african american? hmm

nah i never been to africa im an american

[.Cuore]

you nikkaz is so soft i hate this website

shut your fucking mouth and leave then? nobody listens to the stupid shit you say anyway.

[ribcage]

woah woah woah, havent you ever heard the whistle song?!!!! cmon man juelz santana, one hit wonder super queer faggot broke ass retarded douchebag shit lickin mafacka. he tight!

[.Cuore]

woah woah woah, havent you ever heard the whistle song?!!!! cmon man juelz santana, one hit wonder super queer faggot broke ass retarded douchebag shit lickin mafacka. he tight!

lol word.

[Juelz Santana]

your all retarded son i bet you dogshits bump diplomatic immunity throughout your widwest suburb type daily. you all know dipset anthem by heart.salute!

[RAPP]

"Personally Ive also noticed (no offense to anyone) that graffiti writers tend to be the kinda person that dont fit in with other groups. Usually because as artists we see beyond just fitting in. " Uh no...

We aren't art fags, people don't chill with us cause they don't wanna end up in a county cruiser. We also don't want a bunch of pussies knowing what we write. As for committing suicide, I'm not going to sugar coat this but you're welcome to perform it, but no one will pity your silly ass. If you really want to end it all and have no replay, go for it. But if you want to get higher, don't do it. I'm not going to go into the deeper psychological meaning behind suicide or really give a fuck to be honest so I'm just saying my opinion.

Oh, and if your committing suicide, don't mix your religion or government into the picture. People will just think your a bunch of idiots or loony terrorists that forgot their bombs.

/asshole

[MoF.]

sucied is not good man i know every one thinks of it or it corsses theyre mind once, wee need to all stcik together and help each other out when we need it the most,

suicide dosent stop the pain it just passes it on to your loved ones.

[AKnR]

killin ur self is for bitches..........do whatever u need to remain happy. thats why i write bitch.

[BennyBoii]

I know a person that self harms
they cut up there leg and wrist and it scares the crap out of me when I see it
It worries my and I cant stop thinking about it when I see it
For all u that make jokes and say its for pussies its not something to joke about
Its makes them fell even worse and if your all fine with it you have a problem my friend
so be positive if you know they do it talk to them sometimes all they need is some on to talk to

[victim]

Reading books from Eckhart Tolle have helped me a lot. Some of the things he writes are bs so just ignore them, but the general message is very 'enlightening'.

[Overload16]

Well i often thought of suicide. But i cant get it over my heart to do it. Just thinking of letting my parents and friends behind makes it worse. And another reason i go on is because my dad just cured of his cancer and he needs my support..