Waste of a day mang
Waste of a day mang
i cant really move around anyways
from the Dons of JUMPTHETURNSTYLE.COM
DIARY OF A CRAIGSLIST COCKSMITH
There are two keys to scoring pussy on Craigslist: First, the ability to create a great title line. You have to be on some Madison Avenue marketing shit to be an effective cocksmith on Craigslist.
What’s the tag line that will entice a complete stranger to open her vaginal canal to another complete stranger? Something that says witty, intelligent, manly, non-threatening, and confident. For instance, my most successful title line to date garnered me twenty five responses. By twenty five, I mean from actual women…I’m not counting the other forty five responses coming from gay dudes, trannies, bots, and straight dudes who want to bro up over a “straight” jerk off session.
Before I get to my title line o’ the century, consider this; Craigslist’s Casual Encounters is the reception area where the freakiest mufuckaz in your hometown gather. To some degree, everyone up in this bitch is a sexual addict seeking some sort of fix.
Look at it like attending a house party where you might want to cop yourself some trees. As you ask around, someone may say, “I aint got weed, but I can hook you up with some coke.” The next man may have some shrooms for sale. You may have to go through five oxy salesmen before you find yourself what you’re looking for. In the same way you shouldn’t get offended by someone offering you cat tranquilizer when you just want some ganja, you shouldn’t be offended by someone who wants you to stick your dick in their ass whilst seeking pussy. You’re at the party and everyone is invited, just worry about coppin your piff.
Here’s a breakdown of who will be responding to your ad and how to sift through the bullshit.
Gays – Your ad is offering dick. Gays like dick. They will click on your ad to see your dick. They know you’re freaky enough to post a sex ad, perhaps you’re freaky enough to swing both ways. The typical response from them is something like:
6’2” 185, GWM (Gay White Male) swimmers build, former college lacrosse player. If you don’t have any luck with the ladies, I’d be happy to empty your sack.
The good thing about gays is they’re upfront about it. When you see a message from “Kevincocklover69” you know what you’re dealing with. Simply don’t respond and continue your search.
Gays posing as chicks – These dudes are the most prevalent problem in your search for snatch. Typically sketchy dudes in their late 50’s who used to be Boy Scout leaders, they’re just interested in collecting pics of you. They will typically send you some broads’ picture in the first email asking if you have a “pic to trade”. Don’t drink the Kool-Aid. They know you’re on a twat hunt and that you will jump at the chance to bag some booty if presented to you. Two words that will help you throughout your travels: VOICE VERIFY.
You don’t know who is on the other end of the innanets. The best way to cut through the bullshit is to request a conversation on the phone. If a chick is bold enough to send you a pic on the first email, then she’s down to exchange numbers and speak to you on the phone. Simply say this:
Thanks for the pic, I like what I see! I’d be happy to send you a face pic once we talk on the phone. Can I give you a call?
If they send a number, congratulations, you’re about to get laid. If they don’t, there’s a good chance you’ve been corresponding with this dude.
As a young Percy Miller once proclaimed, “The game is to be sold not told” so I’ll step off from droppin gems and get to my latest episode. Oh, and I mentioned my most succesful title line. Ready for this?
“IF DICKS WERE PURSES, MINE WOULD BE A GUCCI BAG.”
That one landed me an overweight 25 year old biracial nursing assistant from Lexington. She showed up at Tom English bar on Dorchester Ave. at 5pm in a purple mini skirt and no drawers. Crib was messy as shit. Hit it raw.
Last nights’ episode was classic, mainly cuz of the ingredients at play. My j-o-b, sweaty ballz, Irish pale face chick, and the cleaning crew.
So Wednesday night I’m Henned up. I seented my man Hollyhood Haze and copped that purp on Ashton Street in Mattapan. Not that I personally know it was purp – but Haze delivered a 90 second dissertation on how if I put the shit to a light bulb, it turns to various hues of blue and purple. All this, while I’m sitting on the hottest of blocks on Maxine….my scooter.
I ride Maxine to work in the heart of the Financial District where I park her in a plaza full of lifer ass bike messengers . I’m the only douchebag that locks up a scooter…AND covers it. I check on Maxine every 25 minutes. I WISH a ***** would.
Back at the rib piece, I’m ready to poast a Casual Encounter. As I said – a headline that embodies witty, intelligent, manly, non-threatening, and confident. I procure gold.
“BLAZE PURP AND PLAY WITH MY 9.”
I got that Hollyhood Haze. Bishes love weed. I got 9 inchez. Bishez love 9 inchez. I poast a pic of my erect Kenyan flag. This CAN be life.
After sifting through the afformentioned JKFGTS, bots, and trannies, I arrive at Katies email.
Hey, I’m 30, recently divorced and completely sex starved. Too busy to put in work.. I did once &when we got close to business, I couldn’t even find his dick. I can’t go through another disappointment like that again. That’s why I’m looking on CL, the cock pics. I can’t host, but I’ll drive you wild with my head game. No full anal or watersports only. If you like what you see send me a face pic.XOXO,
You already know the two key words to cut through the bullshit. VOICE VERIFY. I hit her back.
Hey Katie -
I like what I see…
Send me your number so we can talk – then I’ll send you a pic.
katie k kkatie420@…….
508 2-2- 6-69 < LOL @ 69
I call her. No answer. Five minutes later she emails me saying the phone is in the other room. I know what this is all about.
Wikipedia breaks it down:
Cuckold is a historically derogatory term for a man who has an unfaithful wife. The word, which has been in recorded use since the 13th century, derives from the cuckoo bird, some varieties of which lay their eggs in other birds’ nests.
To which she said, “But then I wouldn’t have met someone as amazing as you.”
Truer words have never been spoken, Katie.
And with that Maxine and I dissapeared into the night. Just a cocksmith and his trusty scooter changing womens lives one casual encounter at a time...
In modern usage, a cuckold can also mean a male fetishist who gains sexual gratification from his partner having intercourse with other people.
In real real real world shit…it’s a yt chick who humiliates her peckerwood yt husband in front of a Mandingo Alpha.
I was convinced Katie and her 6.5 inch husband were entertaining themselves in a Newton condo.
Then the phone rings. This basic bitch blocks her number on some anonymous shit when she just gave me her number.
Katie: Haaaallllo? (Bad rendition of an Irish chick tryin to sound Reekan.)
Me: Hey Katie, It’s Andre’. (Can’t give out your gumment. I’m Andre’ in teh Matrix. (Aksep it and respek it)
Katie: Wuuuussssuuuup? I does this. I read right through her basic ass existance. She hates her heritage, parents, weight, kids, uncle, and the state of New Hampshire. She is oblivious to the fact that I own every non thorough Red Sox lovin townie tendency havin molecule in her fiber. She’s playing checkers. I’m Bobby Fisher.
Me: Wow…I’m just impressed you sound like a real woman!
Katie: IRL LOL (Works every time)
So we go through the back and forth banter. She doesn’t believe that’s really my dick, and I don’t really believe those are really her pics. It’s a whole fuckin dance.
We decide to meet the next day. Without really thinking it through, I announce that we should fuck at my job. I’m the last one there, and aside from Yvette, our cleaning lady, we would be the only ones on the floor. She’s with it.
Come 5:30 the next day, I realize how musty I am after a full days work. I decide I need a homeless shower after I run some necessary errands. My shopping list consists of Magnums, a box of Dutches, body spray, deoderant, and a fresh pair of socks. I cop all that, get back to work, and to my dismay, I notice that Yvette the cleaning lady is replaced by a team of Guatemalan men. She prolly hasn’t missed a day of work since I had a respectable hairline. Today Yvette? Really?
Katie arrives in 15 minutes and I need to get my shit together. Five Yvette’s with penises are cleaning the mens room. I slap a “Do Not Enter El Bano” spanglish sign on the womens bathroom and enter. In ten seconds flat, I’m bucket nekked in the ladies room scrubbing my feet in the sink. I quickly tranform from this:
I exit teh El Bano and there she is, standing in the lobby. We embrace. She takes another look at me and announces, “You’re wicked hoaaaatt!” It’s now apparent that she’s a townie of the highest order. She’s rockin some type of Tello’s tye die blouse and has a huge gash on the side of her forehead. She explains that her 2 year old nephew scratched the shit out of her. Before I can process that, she grabs me and tongues me down. I promptly escort her to my supervisors office and smash her on his desk. Raw of course.
An hour later, as she’s giving me a massage, our psychotherapy session begins. She discloses that I’m the first black guy she’s ever smashed, and everyone in her universe would kill her then themselves if they ever found out. I ask her how she ended up on Craigslist prowling for cock. Her cousin Jimmy apparently came out the closet to her a week ago, and showed her where he shops for anal.
I owe you one Jimbo.
As we said our goodbyes, I left her with these poignant words. “You’re a beautiful woman making some reckless choices with three kids at home. If you love them, please, start loving yourself.”
What exactly is happening in that picture, Tony?
Last edited by Slushi; 03-17-2012 at 09:52 PM.
Fuck parties with no booze.... And i am taking a shit
@Otter your gif certainly made me recoil in horror. Radical!
Treat suckas like paint so call me turpentine; Removin motha-f**kas from the surface, and I'll rob your home land like the Mississippi purchase.........
just me sucking of a dolphin
Sorry for the dolphin!
What the fuck is wrong the the lot of your fucks.
otter made shit real weird up in here, i dont even want to come in here til i know i dont have to even catch a glimple of that shit lol
What are you talking about?
Slushi likes fat women.
No tears, only dreams now.