Suicide

[Thrice]

I don't need some physiatrist to tell me that im fucked up.

[SAID]

Yes I understand that, but sometimes there's shit going on in your brain and it's not your fault that your fucked up and wanna understand why yedig?

[Loki X Sho]

People are so all about self healing these days...don't get me wrong I was so stubborn. It took a near death experience to get me to the therapist. And it took the mindset that I could help myself to get me to that near death experience...
Most people make that mistake and it ends up too late for help...
Therapists are like mental secretaries. they sort your biznass into seperate piles and help you do your work.
get help. It Helps.

[Thrice]

I'd only do therapy if Robin Williams is my therapist.

[prefer]

help
Im always giving advice to people, and I give good advice man..and they say that all of the answers to lifes questions lie inside yourself..but I can't even find myself. I'm so fucking MAD that I'm writing this. But today is in no means good. At all. So hear me out. I don't care about beliefs in here...I don't care if what I think is happening isn't logical..but thats why Im here..I need outer advice.

I've been carefully evaluating myself for the past year, and I think I'm paranoid schizophrenic or have borderline personality disorder. Its not just an ignorant self diagnosis..theres logic man. Lots of it. I think I need to go back to therapy real bad before I fuck up hard. I can't talk to people I know..but I feel stupid telling the internet..but it just feels better to talk to strangers because they really don't know who or what you are. I can't even talk to my best friend and my mom just cries...I don't know if I'm truly crazy when I hear the things I hear or see the things I see..I'm like clenching my teeth even writing this stuff down...I'm very manic depressive and I find myself uncontrollably lashing out at people really close to me that don't believe what I'm telling them. Its completely real to me and I hate how people mock it. The other night I fucked myself up real bad..and I don't remember it at all..I wasn't even intoxicated.

Its like I know too much about psychology to actually believe some of the things I've experienced...
but what if its really real..I feel like I'm never going to know if I'm really losing it or if I have some kind of gift..
I don't know but whatever. it makes it hard to live...I can't deal with all of these manifestations...even if they are a part of me.

I don't even know where to begin..people just think I'm crazy and I'm starting to believe them..but at the same time I don't want to condition myself as a crazy person. I feel like I'm always being watched by something...and sometimes I even see it.. What if I'm really posessed or soemthing...people used to think they were posessed but got diagnosed with schizophrenia. Or what if I really just have some kind of mental disorder...I don't want to be demon posessed, but I don't want a mental disorder either..
so it just seems easier to resort to other things.
Not that I'm going to die any time soon..but if things get worse I don't want to be alive.
I don't take medication EVER. EVER. So its whatever.
I guess I could just use some heavy advice..spiritual and meaningful...
I'll be back later.

i can relate to the paranoid thoughts thing alot, im very paranoid, however ill tell you something that is true when i thought i was possesd, lying awake in bed at 12:00 at night lights out after watching a disturbing beating video on youtube, i couldnt get to sleep i swear i saw a demon appear right in front of me that looked like the beating victim, shortley after i vividly saw a large image of a face of one of the atttackers appear right in fron of me in color and consistency of a cloud, that shit was scary.

[Loki X Sho]

Well, Idk man. Its a struggle.
I've been talking to someone religious lately..which i FUCKING hate.
I hate christianity so much.
this is the shittiest most confusing time evar.

Idk, my anxiety comes and goes whenever it wants..but Im thinking some pretty twisted stuff. I wish I could explain...
So many loop holes...but I'm needed for something..i havent figured it out.

or am i nuts.
UGH
.now im pissed.
dont worry its all my fault

i started therapy again. its helping a bit, but this is a harder shell to crack for sure...

I cant even look at how I explain myself without wanting to smash the fuck out of my computer.

BLAH.

Ive been thinking that maybe I should take somethinggggg....but the drugs they suggest are too much.
I mean, i hate even taking advil.
Why do I want a drug to stop my thought process and turn me into a zombie
plus it makes you gain weight, and i am a woman. So fuck that.
Stupid medicines...
Thats the icing on the cake right there

[prefer]

i feel you man, just dont believe in christianity if you dont like it i guess, dont get too pissed, you shoud draw out your thoughts thatd be sick

[Loki X Sho]

I do draw them...do you want to see?! Thats like, how I cope. I draw what I see inside...do you want to see?! Maybe you can relate...if you feel anything like me...

[prefer]

post em up man for sure,

[Loki X Sho]

just a few thoughts

[Chippey]

From the pictures i gather, you feel like you are controlled by something, and you feel rather alone and mental, and that your dying from it? Correct?

[Loki X Sho]

oh yes. you should see...its insane how many sketch books i keep drawing these hands in. I filled a bunch.
If you rip the image apart more, and go deeper, there are so many more messages...
but you have to read a lot of weird shit to understand them..or know about it atleast.

[Thrice]

Don't be hatin on christianity. There is nothing wrong with the religion itself, it's just some of the people who practice it and media manipulation.

[Loki X Sho]

Well, I hate it haha. I can't help it. It ruined so much of my life.
But I don't hate on Christians, everyone has their right to practice whatever they want.
And I respect that its a choice for other people..
So if youre a Christrian, Right on!

But I choose to practice other things.

Freshmen year..this painting was intense at the time...
some crazy emotions...

I got in trouble during this painting, because I refused to stop painting when the period ended.
Eventually I was forced to move to the guidance office..where I wouldn't stop painting still.
I even threatened the teachers to not touch the painting or else. lol.

[prefer]

loki are you getting help man cuase i think you need it

[anti-anti-crime]

Loki- Those are some powerful painting and drawings... And honestly, they scream 'I need halp' not to make light of your situation, but I can tell from those that your suffering.. alot...
Get help, please

["Mafi"]

Me- In the latest of news, I'm only now covered in scars and no fresh cuts Good times.

Good job anti, keep it up (:
The first few weeks are the hardest

[Bilnek]

if u want to kill yourself go paint a heavens spot....if u don't die u won't think of suicide again cuz the adrenaline will last forever

[Thrice]

That's just silly. ^

[elks443]

I dont believe in suicide I see it as a cowards way out. and think about it Hitler killed himself you want to be put in the same boat as him (metaphorically) i say If your feeling deppressed or schizophrenic do what I did and do PCP and shoot at the cops because
death is not an option its a consequence