Suicide

[DoctorOfCrime]

ahhh its good they topic up and running once more. I have been feeling like shit for more then a month. Recently got rejected by a chick i really liked and anti Depressants aint working. (aint going to mention all the other shit bringing me down because its beside the point I am trying to make) I was walking one day thinking about my life then I thought about biggies track suicidal thoughts this made me then think about putting my negative energy I have into my music. Being Depressed and down mixed with anger makes for some good hip hop tracks. Now when ever I feel bad I put it to my music and record it. It doesn’t take away the unhappiness but it certainly has helped more then drugs booze and meds. Find some thing to direct your negative energy into.

[jim.christ]

i just noticed this thread and it really made my day.

recently ive slowly weened myself off of my depression meds. i couldnt stand how level they made me, no real ups or downs, just level and almost disconnected. i also couldnt stand how if i missed my pill for more than a few days i would begin vomiting and feel horridly sick to the point i could barely stand. i couldnt take it anymore... so its been a month now since ive taken my last pill, and in the last week ive really noticed a change in myslef. ive stopped sleeping, aside from a few hours a night, and ive returned to my old roller coaster ride of a self.

but this time is different. ive noticed im much more angry. things have been setting me off way more easily, and it fuckin scares me.

ive never really tried to see a shrink because its soo hard to explain somthing such as graffiti to a peer, let alone an adult... so i was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this. i have more to share, but ill just shut up for now.

[bilal_tariq]

I been sketching again to rid myself of the negative energies. I guess it's helping a little bit.

[bilal_tariq]

Work hard, smoke a cigarette, catch a few tags, and enjoy a nice beer while cooking a steak on the grill. Works for me, minus the cigarette since that shit fucks me up and it's not my style.

This is the truth - minus the cigarette and beer.

Best scenario for a daily life:

Wake up, barbecue, let some Dilla spin in the back.

Sir.

[Thrice]

Yea just find something that chills you guys out, avoid drugs tho, i suggest. Doesnt need to be graff, i enjoy BBQ and taking a nice drive around town at night. Lately going out and bowling with a few friends has taken my mind off things.

[triple6inthemix]

Do any of you guys go to therapy? I've been considering it lately, not sure if I got the cash for it at the moment though.

yeah. ive been through a few shrinks, and anger management. i gotta be honest man, none of it really helped. i think its a personal thing, whether that kind of therapy works for you, not for me. it more or less just made me more angry and feeling hopeless..everyone says the same thing but i feel like no one pays enough attention to the actual grieving feelings i have, we have. music, exploring, few beers with the boys..thats whats helped for me. lately im trying to focus on getting my money up, working as much as i can, stealing less. i dont know whos been to jail or on probation, but these kinds of circumstances make it so much worse. im trying to avoid going down there again.

dont let me shy you away from looking into therapy, if it works for you thats great.

[FlippingChickens]

u know ive thought about it a couple times throughout my life but ive been more mellow for sometime now.suicide thoughts just kinda come instantly when im in a bad situation but it quickly goes away and then i feal like more shit for thinking about killing myself.

but ultimatly were all in this thread for the same reason,at this point im stuck in my life with endless boredom but i can always find something to keep my mind off of reality,smoke a blunt go bomb some shit chill with ur boys or hit the strip club trust me something will make you happy no matter how depressed you are..most r problems are ex gf's or we dont got a hot broad to keep us active or school sucks or ur parents suck or you just FORGOT the meaning to your life..we all got something to live for either its graff or ur moms or whatever at the end you got something or somebody.Life may be at its worst right now just think to yourself that later on there is going to be shit worth living for..im sure a shitload of people have thought of suicide if everyone stayed on that same road of thinking then the whole world would be dead by now..people get through it u just gotta stay on point,peace.

[Lunchbox]

Man, I hate my family pretty bad.

And coming from a guy who doesnt really believe in the word "hate" its a big deal.

I've always been the problem kid, bad grades, worse behavior, "has SO much talent but just doesnt seem to make use of it" type of son, bright enough to be the samrtest kid in class but with enough spine to stand up when he calls bullshit.....

Basically the OPPOSITE my family ever wanted.

I thought about killing myself when I got sent to Alternative, because now my family would treat me like a caged dog, and nobody would even know enough to care.

Even carved shit in the arm.

But I got out, and my girl helped(just a little), Graff helped a fuck load, and I just look forward to a few years from now where I'l come home with my diploma, will walk in the house, pack all my graff stuff in the car, give my family the finger, and never look back.

Thats what drives me.

[Baszma]

I'm goin downhill again. I was aight for a while, but lately school hasn't been going the best, friends have been walking out on me like it's a boycott, and i haven't been in a relationship for coming up on 7 months. To top it off, my dad is now trying to find some way to force me not to go into the marines. I'm starting to consider running away, to stop myself from committing, but I don't know if that would help anything.

[bilal_tariq]

^^ Yeah eh, hope things work out for you man, even though running away must be a shitty option - a lot of people do it to go and breach their virtual boundaries, some of which start at home itself, so maybe getting out there might just be the biggest and best thing you do in your life you know, who knows where it'll take you later.

BUT DON'T DO IT 'CAUSE I SAID SO.

I'm just finding it so relaxing to sketch listening to mellow tunes, I barely go on MSN anymore 'cause it reminds me of messed up stuff with my best friend 'cause that's where she last stopped to me so I don't bother going online much anymore, I stay away from that 'cause it depresses me to go online and not have her there to talk to, but oh yeah I just sketch instead, and it might be completely ironic but I've been just sketching her name like no tomorrow. I wish she could see them but I'll probably email them to her one of these days.

Shit plus the weather here is so tacky it rains one day and it's sunny the next but it's still chilly in the air you know and right now it's raining so mans can't even walk home right now - the weather is so gloomy and dull.

Anyways back to sketchin men I hope everyone gets over their hurdles, we all need to try harder because it's not that hard to try hard. It might seem like it and honestly is a little hard in the beginning but you've got to start somewhere and sometime otherwise you're just going to keep putting yourself in more worse mindsets and it'll damage you mentally and physically, it's been doing that to me too so I sketch to shy away those sort of negative feelings, it was hard in the beginning but she told me I'm a strong person and I'd get over any hurdle, I just want her to be happy at the end of the day.

Peaze out everyone.

[Thrice]

Yea man this shit weather has been killing me lately, waking up to a cloudy day and rainy day ruins the whole day for me.

[Siner]

I've been doing alot better lately, before my posts in here were mentioning how great suicide would be and basically just fantasizing about it. But now it's alot better. I finally found a anti-depressant that is working for me. I don't feel weak anymore, I don't have daily thoughts of suicide, nothing in my life has really changed though. I still don't have many friends, I'm constantly lonely, I wish I had a girlfriend, I don't get out and do anything socially like at all. But I think the medication is balancing me out, I've been on tons of other anti-depressants before and none of them work, but unfortunately you have to try alot of diffrent ones out before you find one that works for you. I'm sure alot of people don't like the idea of having to be on a pill to feel "normal", but it's worked for me. So I guess I would encourage you guys to see a doctor or a phychiatrist if you feel like it would help. Sorry if I sound like a therapist of something.

[sallybsk]

damn man, i've been reading this thread for a while.
I'm glad you feel better siner.
Man I think I know how you feel, I'm not very social anymore, I left all my friends at my old school, I don't go to school daily so it's not like I'm really meeting new people, I haven't gone out and done shit just for fun with my friends in probably... wow I can't even remember the last time.
Friday I guess, but I just ran into my old friends by accident shopping at target, lulz. (but before that... uhh I honestly can't remember. it was probably a couple of months ago or so)

My last girlfriend fucked my bestfriend... i mean my bestfriend, he was like a brother to me. I haven't had a healthy relationship since(or girlfriend), I've been feeling sorry for myself and that was fucking forever ago(almost 2 years now?).
I always feel lonely lately, depressed, and i often have thoughts of suicide-about every other day. I haven't been close to doing it yet though, I'm just hoping it doesn't get worse. as cliche as it sounds, I feel more disconnected to myself than anything. I think that's what this loneliness is. I just want someone to love me. I've been making a list of amazing ways to kill myself.
I listen to a lot of fucked up music and it helps, I like to read books about psychology. I have a strange want to be lost in my thoughts all the time. and I mean ALL the time, talking and all people are just so annoying. I've become so socially disconnected, and it's weird because I was never like this. I just wish people loved their thoughts as much as I do.
I get so angry lately, over stupid shit, I can't control anything. I've been apathetic, and sometimes I don't want to sketch, I just want to stay in my bed and never wake up. I haven't found anything yet that's made me truly happy. Graff really helped for a while, but I don't know anymore. I really want a girlfriend, a connection with someone who's different. No one's real these days, everyone talks shit behind each others back's. I want a real friend man.
Sometimes I get the goosebumps when i think about how fucking depressed I am. hahha, and then i laugh. Sometimes I walk into a room, and just think of ways to kill myself. Relatively my life should be pretty good, I have a decent family, and I can have healthy relationships if I try, but I don't want to. I want to feel better and have healthy relationships it's just that... I don't know how to explain it. I'm somewhat masochistic. So the whole my bestfriend and girlfriend thing really fucked me up, I thought I deserved it for the longest time. I can't stop ths shit feeling man. one thing that really helps, talk a walk on a sunny day by yourself, somewhere relatively quiet

[Siner]

I know exactly how you feel man, I used to feel like you and actually in alot of ways still am. With the exception of the medication easing my pain, I fucking hate my life. Like I'm so used to feeling depressed it's like almost don't even want to feel better, and now that I am, I don't really know how to. I don't know how to get out there and do social activities with other people because I've been alone so long. I don't know how to break out of my shell. I graduated last year, so I really don't even know where I could meet people, I have like one person I hang out with regually and I don't even get along with this person that good and it's not a good friendship or anything. So I wonder how long I can be lonely for before I get depressed again because of that. Idk, but sallybsk, I was just wondering if you were getting any help, or if you would consider it, cause it would suck to lose you or anyone posting in here.

[Thrice]

Yo siner, same exact shit here. Im always looking to get a girlfriend since I'll come first in her life and have someone around, as for personal friends I don't usually hang out too much with people since I really don't get drunk or smoke or that shit. Also school has been pretty rough, so I haven't had much free time. Im not on any anti-depressants, but seeing on how it goes in the next year or so i might get on some. Im a pretty chill guy that most people get along with but never really can find a strong bond with a group of ppl.

[garbage down tha way]

gotta be honest, i find solace in my depression. it becomes such a familiar feeling that when its gone, you dont feel right. thats why so nobody ever succeeds in becoming normal again. depression becomes more of a lifestlye than a feeling, and you begin developing an interest in it. after that your fucked. you will not get better. sorry guys.



/end drunken rant.

[sallybsk]

gotta be honest, i find solace in my depression. it becomes such a familiar feeling that when its gone, you dont feel right. thats why so nobody ever succeeds in becoming normal again. depression becomes more of a lifestlye than a feeling, and you begin developing an interest in it. after that your fucked. you will not get better. sorry guys.



/end drunken rant.

maaaan, I agree with you so much, what a fitting post for your 666th.

but I think i'm getting into this lifestyle, i haven't had it for that long. It's full of insomnia, drinking and just fucking up my relationships so far. I actually haven't been drunk in a really long time.. so nevermind that. I think i'd like to get fucked up sometime soon hahahaa.

[twotimesfive]

I found that when I thought it was gone, but I still had that feeling as if I was missing a part of me, I was just in denial of still being depressed.

As of now I seem to have beaten it, and it just sort of feels like a giant weight lifted off my back, like there was some impossible task that I was previously worried about doing, that I no longer have to do.

[Akosta Phoebia]

i think you can get used to it if you are severly depressed for a long time. i just got assessed by a psych and they said that my extreme agression and dellusions of violence are all because ive been severly depressed for the last 5 years... i didnt even know. cant imagine not being depressed

[Baszma]

Im always looking to get a girlfriend since I'll come first in her life and have someone around, as for personal friends I don't usually hang out too much with people ... never really can find a strong bond with a group of ppl.

That's like exactly it dog. I have this crazy need to feel wanted, bcuz i have like a million friends, but none of them are actually close, good friends. So I'm basically always trying to be in a relationship. And it never works out.