Peacebomb - I know exactly how you feel man and don't even inch towards the self end man 'cause I didn't have the nerve to do it either and honestly I'm living to draw too and I sometimes feel that I'm crying in my head at certain times but yeah I try to cheer myself up by taking my mind off things and I do this by studying and reading and doing research and while doing those I sketch to take a break and live life a little every time, it helps bro it really does.
For me, I look around people and see how they need drugs or alcohol to either keep themselves happy or overly numb their sorrows so that if they can't get happy, at least they can't get sad either, and I think that's just messed. I've never looked at drugs and alcohol as materials to boo away any problems in life because they are just temporary numbing materials like anesthesia and sooner or later those problems still come back to haunt you because they're lurking right above your head, the only difference being that they can't be in your head while you're intoxicated because the drugs and/or alcohol are invading your mind at that very moment, once they're gone, those problems find a way to sneak back into your mind again and you're back to square one.
You see before my loved one left me, she made me stop everything, and it's not like I ever did either on a regular or a totally insane basis, sure I can count on my fingers the number of times I have but that was it, and I'm so happy I stopped for good and I'm far away from her in a different country and she doesn't trust me at all and she could probably be thinking that I'm puffing up and juicing down and all that but I'm not and the reason why I never even approach those things is because I've seen how people feel like lowlifes when they smoke/drink, they feel guilty, they feel messed up like they're not doing anything in life, they feel like all their hope is gone and such but they have no sense of any of those negative feelings because they're just so numb, so distorted - AND I'M GLAD I'm not ever going to be in that mindset again in my life ever because I feel so messed up that she's left me and if I were to ever consume such materials, it would just make me realize what a bloody horrible person I was even though my intentions were to love her and the worst thing is she has never given me any answers so I keep questioning myself and I don't want to that while I'm intoxicated because I might do something wrong to myself if I don't get the answers I need to know to find out why she had to leave me. Gah it's making me think about that all over again but I'm happy to see that in the past few pages no one has actually made a girl the reason to commit suicide, I'm very proud of everyone here who's managed that because no one should let anyone else ruin your life and lead you to ending it because of that person.
Love for all, hatred for none, my family always taught me that, I wish I was back my mother and father because living alone in a country miles away doesn't really help but I guess it makes me a little stronger... somewhat.
And I'd never go to a councelor because they'd never understand my problems and even if they did, they'd never be able to help me because they can never bring her back to me and she just won't look at me in the same loving light that she always did, heck I don't even exist for her anymore but I'm trying to punch myself in the face and telling myself that it's my fault and it purely is so I can't cry about it because I've been a douche who's made a lot of mistakes but never cried over them and I'm not planning on crying over them and doing something harmful to myself this time either. Councelors only come in handy if the problem is very basic and if they person is having a hard time wrapping their head around that problem to solve it.
I just hope everyone find a solution to their problems, I pray so much for everyone's happiness all the time, even though I don't know so many people's names, I still pray hoping that whoever is having any problems - please resolve them in some beautiful way. Bah I also hope Doc isn't serious about being gone.
But yeah, good morning everyone, one of the side-effects of my messed up mind is that I can't really sleep anymore, I've been like this for a long time now where I get to see the sun wake up before I can even think of a wink of sleep.