I got fuckin' OWNED by a security guard today.
So I'm in Toronto on a li'l trip, and I heard about this store that sells sick brand-name bike parts out in the open, like easy-as-shit to steal. Sooo..
I walk down there from where I'm staying, I get in there and I look around and I'm like "Holy bawls this is so sick! Ahh, this is gonna be so easy!" There's like 2 cameras in the whole damn store and the employees are running around helping customers like crazy, so they wont notice a thing.
I pick out my stuff, walk quickly to a blind stuff a few feet away and shove the stuff in my hoody, under my arm to hold it there. I look around and there isn't a motherfucker in sight looking in my direction. I'm so happy I just got away with that.
Anyway, I head to the bathroom cause there were beepers at the door and I was gonna look the stuff over for sensor strips. I get in there and there's this homeless-lookin' ginger pissin' and a guy in the stall. I wait for em to leave and go into the stall. I open the stuff nice and quiet and put the packages in the top part of the toilet, where the lid lifts up. I walk out and head toward the door. STILL no suspicious looks. Yess!!!
I walk out, I'm so happy with myself. I get like 10 feet from the door and I hear footsteps coming up on me fast and "Hey!"
I just turn all cool and calm, I'm like "Yeah?"
And this big fucking, ripped, shaved-head, arms-big-around-as-my-fucking-torso, 6'5" son-of-a-bitch is comin up on me. I try to act calm and he just comes up and him and this wheeny-ass, like 5'2" guard come to either side of me and trap me with my back to the wall. The big one says "Store security, I need to ask you some questions about some merchandise you were looking at in the store." I'm like "Alright, wadda ya need?" And he says "Come with me." and grabs my arm.
I'm just like "Oh shit, I gotta get the fuck out of here.." And we take a few steps and all the sudden, I just rip away from his grab and book it! I get about 3 steps into the run and he just grabs my backpack and rips it straight backwards, my fucking head almost popped off I got whiplash so bad.
He pulls me back and he just sweeps me face-first into the ground, rolls me over, and jams his knee straight into my fucking neck. With one hand he's got my right wrist and with the other, he just plants his palm on the side of my head and mashes my fucking cheek into the sidewalk.
Just then, the other wheenie-ass dude comes over and does a flying-fucking-knee straight into my fucking kidney! While I'm already on the ground! So I'm just like shocked, and the big guy lets his knee up off my throat just to take his palm off my face and stick his fucking forearm into my throat, instead! He starts rambling some bullshit like "You tryin' to get away from me? You picked the wrong fucking dude to mess with. You ain't goin' nowhere!"
So he lets off his arm the other guy gets up and I though he was gonna pick me up and this would be over and he'd bring me in and whatever, but nope! For some reason, he just decides to clamp his hand onto my neck and just squeeze as hard as he fucking could. I couldn't breathe or say a fucking word. He's just sitting there for what felt like ten minutes with his thumb jamming my adam's apple straight into my fucking brain and he says, "Don't you dare hit me, I'll knock you the fuck out. You're fucked." and I reply as best I could with "You.... Are.... CHOKING.... ME!...." and he lets up a little.
He rolls me onto my stomach again, grabs my arm with one hand and my shirt collar with the other and yanks me straight up, stretching the shit out of my favorite shirt, wraps his arm around my neck, and jerks me around for the 10 feet or so walk to the door. Just as we got to the door, he just throws me full-force into it. Just throws me and then slams his forearm into the back of my neck, crushing my face into the glass. He opens up the door with his other hand and from there it wasn't that bad, he just brings me up, calls the cops, retrieves the merchandise, and they all let me go with a ban from the store and a warning.
That wasn't the fail of my day, though. The fail was that I got wrong directions to the store and walked 2 hours in the OPPOSITE fucking direction to the other end of the god-damn city before I asked someone and they told me I was a fucking idiot. It turns out the place was like a 5 minute walk from where I was staying. I hate fucking google maps.