I remember back when I was like 10, i kept saying to myself "I could just kill myself" on a regular basis. That sounds so abnormally young for that shit to start, idk.
Yeah that is kind of young..but I guess everyone has their feelings and reasons for having those sorts of thoughts...you're not abnormal.
Rots: Write a book, man. Seriously. Some of that writing there is proof enough that you've been through hell, and haven't come back. The writing is good, man. I remember back when I was wicked young (I don't know the age, though.) that I thought about "You know, if I killed myself, I wouldn't have to deal with this." And for the last year, suicide has been on my mind a lot. For four months straight I was holding myself back from doing it, knowing that my family cares too much about me to do something like that to them.
The only reason I dont commit suicide is my little brother. I dont believe in god so im not scared of hell or anything and even if I did im far beyond forgiveness anyways. I think about it basically on a daily basis but even though I do I know I couldnt do it just cause of what it would do to my brother. So im not at risk or anything but im just saying it here cause I have never told anyone before I dont think anyone would even suspect that of me.
Oh loki....what would BS be without you. But yo, my family is defintely a big obstacle for me to killmyself, that and God. For me im not sure if you kill yourself that you will go to hell, and i don't hold back out of fear of hell. Simply enough I feel like im betraying God if i did kill myself, and God is the only thing that hasn't betrayed me in life, so it's an unfair act to commit. Still doesnt help my severe depression.
Your all born to be winners. You were all the fastest sperm. Thrice: Is severe depression the diagnoses you got? Don't take offence to me asking about your medical past, but I'd just like to know. I was diagnosed with Major Clinical Depression with severe symptoms, but I've never heard of severe depression as an actual diagnoses. And what's really getting you down man? It seems like you want to tell us about your thoughts more than how they came about. Everyone in this thread wants to help and receive help, man. As for the subject of not going through with it. I've always been a believer in the afterlife, but not in heaven and hell. I feel as thought there IS something remotely similar to them, but not a literal lake of fire. My friend once said to me "I believe everyone was told it was a lake of fire because of the sheer ignorance of everyone in that time. People who have never stepped out of the boundaries of there properties, farmers, etc, would not educated enough as to grasp the real properties of hell. So there just told it's a massive amount of terrible physical pain. It's the only thing they would understand." Not his exact words, but along those lines. Hell isn't going to be a lake of fire, it's going to be something awful. It won't be dictated by the sins you've commited in your life, but the fact that you learned from your sins, and righted them. Right now I'm trying to live a good life, be nice as possible as I can be to everybody, etc. Okay, got off subject. My family is basically the only thing holding me back, or was, anyways. Lately, I've had alot of better times. Amazing what little things can make a huge difference in your life. Minded: Your bein' a trooper, man. If your staying alive for your fam, that's a big thing. If your in as much pain as it sounds like your in, your a fucking tough ass dude. What's gettin ya down, man?
Nah i just put it that way. I mean i have social anxiety disorder, social attachment problems, and all sorts of shit like that. lots of my depression is stemming from deaths lately, but also chick/friend issue. I just can't rely on anyone aside from my family anymore.
Death is just the illusion that we've lost someone, man. Were never gone from that person, and that person is never gone from us. I don't know who all you've lost, but as long as you've spent time, had fun, and loved that person (well, not for everyone, but you know..) there never lost. You've always got that piece of them in your memory man. I have social anxiety, too. Attatchment problems as in not trusting anybody so you don't get attached, or...? Never heard about that.
i feel you on that social anxiety disorder, i got diagnosed with that at 16 man :/. haha and i've accumilated a whole bunch of other labels down the line too.
help Im always giving advice to people, and I give good advice man..and they say that all of the answers to lifes questions lie inside yourself..but I can't even find myself. I'm so fucking MAD that I'm writing this. But today is in no means good. At all. So hear me out. I don't care about beliefs in here...I don't care if what I think is happening isn't logical..but thats why Im here..I need outer advice. I've been carefully evaluating myself for the past year, and I think I'm paranoid schizophrenic or have borderline personality disorder. Its not just an ignorant self diagnosis..theres logic man. Lots of it. I think I need to go back to therapy real bad before I fuck up hard. I can't talk to people I know..but I feel stupid telling the internet..but it just feels better to talk to strangers because they really don't know who or what you are. I can't even talk to my best friend and my mom just cries...I don't know if I'm truly crazy when I hear the things I hear or see the things I see..I'm like clenching my teeth even writing this stuff down...I'm very manic depressive and I find myself uncontrollably lashing out at people really close to me that don't believe what I'm telling them. Its completely real to me and I hate how people mock it. The other night I fucked myself up real bad..and I don't remember it at all..I wasn't even intoxicated. Its like I know too much about psychology to actually believe some of the things I've experienced... but what if its really real..I feel like I'm never going to know if I'm really losing it or if I have some kind of gift.. I don't know but whatever. it makes it hard to live...I can't deal with all of these manifestations...even if they are a part of me. I don't even know where to begin..people just think I'm crazy and I'm starting to believe them..but at the same time I don't want to condition myself as a crazy person. I feel like I'm always being watched by something...and sometimes I even see it.. What if I'm really posessed or soemthing...people used to think they were posessed but got diagnosed with schizophrenia. Or what if I really just have some kind of mental disorder...I don't want to be demon posessed, but I don't want a mental disorder either.. so it just seems easier to resort to other things. Not that I'm going to die any time soon..but if things get worse I don't want to be alive. I don't take medication EVER. EVER. So its whatever. I guess I could just use some heavy advice..spiritual and meaningful... I'll be back later.
Mmmh.. I don't know if this is going to help you but... some years ago, one of my teacher show us in class a virtual experiment, which was used to simulate the effects of schizophrenia. I tried it, and the feeling was very close to what you describe.... for example, sometimes it looked like if people in adverts were staring at you, or some guy in the street looked at you in a strange way or whisper something when you walked near them... it was really scaring, i remember that the feeling was horrible, even nowing it was just an experiment. So I think you probably should try to tell that to some psicologist... you wont loose anything trying, and it could help a lot.
My mom looks at me like I'm not even me anymore..and I feel like my dad and I, who used to best friends, are just a lost cause. My inner empire is crumbling and nobody understands. Its the most alone I've felt in a long time. I'm going to set up an appointment..even though I HATE fucking anything like this. It just sucks..I feel weak even coming out with this..I shouldn't need anyone else to figure things out for me. How do they really know what I'm thinking..ahH. I'm asking too much..how could any of you possibly know whats happening..I guess I'm just that desperate
Tried to asphyxiate myself with a belt around 8 years old(Dad caught me) I have never been formally diagnosed but im sure I suffer from manic depression. Had a couple serious bouts of depression. Drinking obscene amounts and contemplating laying down on the tracks. And since i was so frustrated I would act out and do alot of really reckless shit.
Loxi - I myself lash out on people too and say shit without control. I think its sort of a defense mechanism, like i have an attachment disorder. I stay away from medication as well, because i don't want to get dependent on it or anything. Can you elaborate more on when you fucked yourself up bad and where is your depression mostly coming from? Like domestic abuse, lack of friends, etc. I can say is though, It's not your fault.
Yeah man I'll tell you all about it when I leave work...Ill be home in like 20 minutes...I'll IM you.