ive tried a total of 6 time in my life. the last time my girlfreind of 5 years got pregnant. broke up with me, and had an abortion without my knowledge, was and still am broken up about it. took my seatbelt off and tried driving right into a barrier. pulled away last minute. still think about doing it alot. i had a ring for her, and was looking forward to being a dad. she was also a graff writer
I'm sorry dude, I know this must be hard for you. I hope you can pull through it, if you need to talk, shoot me a pm.
You know, at one time when you've felt a lot, and seen mad shit, and been through enough, and you turn solid and cold and straight m'fuckin' gangster on this world that people start having a problem with your cold front, then you can't really blame yourself 'cause you've become the product of what other people have molded you into. I'm just saying 'cause you know, I loved, and the bullshit part is that when the other person doesn't love you anymore, you think okay, two options - you can still keep loving and make a fool out of yourself 'cause that person ain't coming back, OR you can turn cold turkey on that love tip, but what the fuck is more inhumane? The former where you're fighting a lost cause or the latter where people start having problems with you 'cause of your attitude towards "normal" feelings. I don't know, at times, shit does get kusty when you look back, but you are who you are. You can't just kill yourself and your whole presence because of what people do to you, yeah I know it's messed 'cause they come into your lives and change you for the good or the bad and then walk away and you just realize that all this change that has been brought upon is just for...nothing...and no one, BUT yourself. Hone yourself. I guess that's what I've learned the most. She's gone but she changed my entire perspective of a MAJORITY of things I relate to all the time, really, even graff. Hone yourself not for someone, but for yourself 'cause at the end of the day man, you're the top dog, and sometimes you're the domino, snuff yourself out and the structure propells and crashes. Suicidal thoughts will always come into people's minds, and even to an extent where the attempt succeeds, that's why they say that the human mind is the most dangerous weapon known to mankind, so if you put your thoughts towards that, sooner or later someone's getting dropped, and if instead you'd just put your mind towards the opposite which makes you want to make yourself better for each upcoming day, trust that shit'll work out. Yeah it does get hella glum and shit when they're not around anymore the same way or not around AT ALL, just know you're around and so is your shadow. Dying takes moments, living on takes years, that's the real test. "Even after you're buried underneath the soil Send a message to hell, nobody grieve for you Your physical mass is converted into ash" - (Jus Allah) Jedi Mind Tricks - The Executioner's Dream.
tariq i'm under the impression you haven't had many girlffriends... do you have any idea what it's like, seeing someone struggle through opiate addictions, and whenever they withdraw they MAKE you sit there and listen on why they want to kill themselves but never will? do you know what it's like having to sleep in the same room as someone addicted to heroin while they're kicking their sheets sweating balls and every couple breaths they're saying "i wanna die" and then when you try to get close they just punch you..? any idea what it's like trying to help someone that doesn't want to be helped? im convinced, people do hard drugs because they don't want to leave this world, they just want to stay absent minded. those people you see on the side of the highway dressed in raggedy clothes, have mostly committed emotional suicide. they're just not here.
I've uhhh, had Depression and anxiety since i was about 7 years old..Grew up in a hella rich area, was bullyed alot for no reason, even through high school people treated me like dirt and it fucked me up, I still remember countless times when i was younger where the teachers literally had to pull me off my mom because it was almost like i was being sent to prison.. id scream and cry and i couldnt breath, i also went through the same thing in high school just in different ways.. and have had some serious bad luck. im on medication now..Prozac, I also take nexium cause i have gastritis....I get pretty scared of my state every day too, self infliction and all, but my parents love me alot theyv been there for a long time so its all really confuseing and hard to cope, i can barely take anything at all, i almost would rather die than listen to someone put me down, or tell me what ive done wrong, i cant even be in big crowds anymore and i get seriously numb to the point where i dont care anymore, well. I stopped caring about life a long time ago. But art has helped me alot..If it wasnt for graffiti id be fucking dead straight up. Respect to all those suffering from the same shit holding it down, your not alone. And I know how you all feel, because the pain you feel runs so deep its unexplainable, which is why most of you are going to look at this post and say hey, that kid is depressed because of how people treated him, but its not that once depression gets to you it fucks with your mind and runs so deep that words cant even explain it. I never payed attention in school, I wasnt ADD and i woulda put up with the bullshit but i hated it so much i couldnt stand being in rooms with alot of people, bells, lockers slamming, people screaming, yelling, rumors, trends, teachers telling you what to do putting you down, constantly haveing to follow rule after rule, its because of shcool that my parents almost put me down EVERY FUCKING DAY OF MY LIFE. Tell me how you feel after 10 years of that and not being able to explain yourself because your mind blanks out whats truly ripping you apart inside. Much love to all those who read and udnerstand this, PM me if you ever wanna talk. ER.. Tariq, I beleive in your position, you can't truly understand how it feels in some peoples positions who suffer from depression. I'm sorry, but you shouldn't talk about what you don't know untill you truly wanna end your life looking at a bloody wrist ^.^
Apparently you didn't even get what I said then. You sound pro-suicide so you shouldn't even be here 'cause this thread is about helping people out who've had those thoughts, everyone does at some point in their life at least once. All I said is that there's a way around it always and it's just up to you to choose that way and pursue it for the sake of tomorrow or just blindfold yourself and take the dive into suicideville. And Pee, trust bro, I hear what you're saying and depression comes in all forms and sizes and causes man, relationships, deaths, chemicals, climate, surroundings, so each has a different story and a different reason, and no one can deny that. Mine was my relationship, yours have been people, Ret's has been school (?) but yeah. I didn't come in here hating on anyone here telling 'em to fuck off for having suicidal thoughts and shit, instead I'm giving them my two cents to find a way around that and make two hundred thousand dollars out of those two cents you know, live on. I'm going to spend some time with my dad today, he wanted to chill with me plus dinner maybe later tonight, he told me I have just a few days left before I head back to Toronto, so it'll be cool to chill with him. It's good that once in a while you being around people matters, but it sucks when those people aren't there anymore/around you. So yeah, just think if you went away, it would suck for a lot of people. For me it's just a different thing because I haven't let more people than I could count on my right hand fingers come so close to me, except my girl. And when she left, she took away an entire half of me and I used to tell her a lot when we were together how she's like the other better half of me, and now that's she's gone, being left with the not-as-better half, all I can do is work on this half and hone myself and make myself a better person and recreate that better half of myself. Rebirth of some sort I guess, look at it as you may. 2009, yay you lived this long.
Hmm, lets see here. "You can't fully understand untill your truly wanting to end your life looking at a bloody wrist". Mother fucker I've been to hell and back and think about ending my life every single day, and I can picture it perfectly, but the people that love me hold me back, and you know what? Personally. I'd rather just be alone. By the way you also sound like the biggest conservitive asshole in the world, and trust me I've been there, done that, got fucking guilt tripped and minipulated by a crazy fucking puerto recan bitch for a whole year but i cant stand up for myself for shit so eventually when i did leave her I was getting death threts n shit by El Salvadorian gang members, I had to listen to that girl cry to me every single fuckign day for a good 4 months, I had a mental fucking breakdown then I got fuckin 24 year olds n shit telling me if I ever hear gun shots in the night its my turn? DOPE. thats not even 1/100th of the shit thats happened to me I told you already, I'll tell you again. You don't. Fucking. Understand. I wanna talk to someone about it whos on the same page as me like Pee. Maybe not that deep, but he fucking knows how I feel I bet. Alright people who've been through the same experiences should be helping eachother on this thred not some Conservative douche bag with his head stuck up his ass, like are you fuckin dumb? Obviously I'm going to tell people the gist of shit before I go helping others, stop acting like you know everything I wanna talk to people whove been through the same shit or at least someone whos sweeet about it not some Conservative Religious Liberal Media Brainwashed Douche.
Well since you're going to be an arrogant fuck when I'm not even being one to you, let me tell you too, motherfucker, that I've spoken to Pee too, even he knows it's fucked on my tip, and sure it's not as fucked as yours, but nonetheless, I'm trying to help myself and whoever asks, not even needed to ask actually, that's what this fucking thread is about, helping out when no one is even asking to, so shut the fuck up and get your facts right and see that I'm not telling you to fuck off and go do something better than ending your life, I'm saying you're the fucking man, and you can do something about it. Don't fucking call me a "Conservative Religious Liberal Media Brainwashed Douche" 'cause you sound like a fag when you say shit like that 'cause it doesn't make sense in the first place, once again, get your shit straight. And I'm not telling you or anyone for that matter to come talk to me, in fact, they can come if they deem it necessary so fuck off and quit thinking I'm trying to put you down 'cause you haven't even been here for long and if you were, you could ask the fucking people on here and they'd tell you I don't fuck around about shit like this you fucking dyke. On a route for betterment, feel good soon, and this isn't about beef or shit ESPECIALLY not in this thread 'cause we're all different stories in this thread and the only way we can fix each other up is by fixing ourselves first and then compromising with another person's differences and understand where they're coming from, and that's why I put a fucking question mark next to your name 'cause I DIDN'T KNOW completely where you're coming from, so seriously, get your shit straight. And mind you, don't fucking front on someone when they're trying to help you out by saying look, fine this method may not apply to you but if you fucking read the first page of this thread, it tells you to post up shit that helps US deal with the situation so that others can read and understand and then help THEM. Don't fucking come in here saying shit like I'm trying to fucking be cold and not understanding you fool. So what if I'm not (and a hella lot of others in this thread) aren't on the same page as you? So what if your ass ain't going to find "someone who is sweet about it" but instead you find someone telling you how they coped with their shit and instead you learned from that? Are you fucked? And obviously we aren't on the same page which is why you spazzed out all of a sudden but look once again, all I said is that you're the top dogs, you're the keystones here in the arc, you fall, you bring down others, and they could end up messing themselves up for your downfall and if you're ready to put someone in that situation, then you're fucked, but if you're ready to read about someone who chooses to live on everyday despite having fucked up thoughts and learning from that, then you're on your way to recovery already mang. Peace from the Middle East.
Don't even worry about it, scroll back a couple pages, you'll see a lot of shittalking and hating going on, but trust man, sooner or later your saving grace is going to come by and you won't even know it. But right now, you're fucked, just like most of us in this thread, the best thing to do is to pour yourself out. That's what I do too, and I my girl was the only one person who I used to pour out shit to and when she left me, I can't even do that anymore 'cause she just told me today that I need to stop coming back to that topic, and what's worse is that her phone isn't even working so I can't even hear that soothing voice of hers to at least make shit a little easier, you know? Instead all I do is email her as often as possible and I write my ass off emptying myself out, she doesn't really care and tells me that it's a good start to get pissed off and shit in the mails 'cause it'll make you feel better but she's told me no matter what she's not going to come back for me. And I'm not even going to come and tell you "try living with that son" 'cause this shit isn't about competition about who's living a more fucked up life, we all are in the same pool, let's keep it at that and swim in it's shallow end rather than the deep end and finally get the fuck out once the goosebumps start creeping in, 'cause that shit is not cool.
Dude just my opinion... suicide is retarted seriously guys once ur dead, ur dead. u dont get to do shit anymore. Ya life sux somtimes but if u just ignor the bad shit and focus on the good its more fun You should make a list of shit that u always wanted 2 do and do that shit be4 u off urself my list would include. Having a orgy wit playboy models, getting a bj while skydiving, and havin my dream car. just my thoughts
...Read back about what I said.. girls are trouble, especailly those kind that hide their face under a mask.
Yeah once you're dead, you're dead. But yo, sometimes it's cool to think about what it would be like up in the clouds, and when I think about that, I always think about watching out for the person I love and wait for them to join me wherever the fuck the afterlifeafterparty is at, ha. But concentrating on the good shit is pretty hard 'cause a lot of that good shit loses flavor when you come across even a slight hint of the bad shit. Like sure you'd try to cope the whole day with something(s) good and then a little unexpected thing may reset you into that shitty mood and you're back to running shit across the street, I've tried to concentrate on a lot of the shit I'm good at, even graff, but for some reason I've felt it becoming so hard to piece lately that I pop out a couple handies and call that my daily dose of graff, which is shameful I think personally but there's not much that I can do other than fix myself up by looking at reality and being like hell yeah this ISN'T the shit but it sure is something, which is better than nothing, and suicide = nothing, so that's a no go for me. But yeah, I think we've all had the list phase, and mine's somewhat been to have a building with my credentials, contribution towards economic progress, and inventing this whole bunch of shit I've ACTUALLY put down in writing (with deep thought) and seeing it come to life something like Hugo Gernsback's "Ralph 124C 41+". Oh well.
Aesop - ...What? That's one hell of a shallow reason... Then again, your first sentence included "suicide is retarded".
Yeah graffiti has defently helped me alot, without it no doubt about it I'd be dead and gone if I didnt paint every night lol, and I agree with you Taliq.. Was pretty shallow. Did you know the suicide sucess rates for girls to guys is 34% first time for girls and 88% first time for boys?
"Graffiti saved my life." - they say that for a reason bud. And for me it's trippy 'cause my mental state is the biggest influence on my pieces. If I'm feeling good, my piece looks good, hell I could come up with a thousand different ways to pull off handies when I'm feeling that good. For most people though, their graff makes them better, it's just the other way around for me. I just gotta make myself better and my shit automatically progresses.