I'm rather annoyed (and horrified) at the number of people who ask us what to do when they've caught their son, daughter, sibling or even parent masturbating.

This issue has been addressed over and over again, and while we do care deeply about the private matters of all individuals, the same question getting asked over and over tends to waste space and clutter our forums.

So you've caught somebody doing something bad to themselves. What now?

The first thing you should do is INTERRUPT. Scream at them, tackle them, do whatever you have to do to free their hands from the evil clutch of their privates.

If there is a Bible handy -which there should be in every True Christian home- grab it and smack the perpetrator upside the head with it and then turn to Genesis 38:9, in which GOD obliterates Onan for spilling his seed all over the ground. (Seed is a Biblical term for "semen," GOD forgive me for saying the 'S' word.) This verse only applies to males. If you happen to find a female pleasuring herself, try this verse instead:

There shall be no whore of the daughters of Israel, nor a sodomite of the sons of Israel. -Deuteronomy 23:17

The above might also be useful if you find your allegedly Christian son involved in the practice of homosexuality.

Once scripture has been read to the self-abuser, start beating and kicking them, calling for the demon of lust to leave! (I once knew a pastor who would bite the face of the masturbator, so that every time they looked in the mirror, they'd see what they had done to themselves.) As you are administering the beating, force the subject to pray for forgiveness and don't quit hitting them until they have repented! If the person is unable or unwilling to pray, beat them harder! The devil is a tough adversary!

After the beating is complete and forgiveness has been asked, it would be prudent to call your pastor and tell him what happened, so that he can relay to the message to the rest of the church and organize a prayer army to keep the demons of lust away from whoever it was you caught pleasuring themselves.

I hope this is helpful, and I hope we don't have to see anymore pointless threads.

Praise GOD and amen!

-Bob Fore

 

*This brings back painful childhood memories. I remember one day when my Godly Father Pastor Lamentations Flint came home early from a missionary trip to Des Moines unexpectedly, and surprised my mother....who was down in the basement listening to Mahalia Jackson records (an obese nigress singer)...Father kicked the door in and gave her the beating of her life...There was blood and screams for hours....She died several hours later from unrelated causes....ANYWAY, I still carry the memories of shame and disgrace to this day, that my own mother would be found "boogie-woogieing" to that Godawful race music that my Godly Father had spent so many hours warning us about...These days I use that basement for training my servants...The blood stains are still on the walls down there....I can't seem to scrub them out.....

 

..

 

Michael Jackson is still alive. He is a High Priest of Satan, forcing children to commit unnatural acts with Neverland Zoo Animals, then sacrificing these same animals in the name of Satan, and then killing the children in blood sacrifice performing AZTEC RITUALS OF RIPPING OUT CHILDREN'S HEARTS AND EATING THEM SO THAT HE COULD LIVE FOREVER.

Michael Jackson is a vampire and can only be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. In the early 1980's around the Thriller deal, he made a Faustian bargain with the Devil: He would become the richest and most famous man in the world and live forever at the cost of becoming a vampire and a Satan worshipper. He accepted.

Vampirisim explains why Michael Jackson's skin turned white, why his face changed drastically (NOT plastic surgery but the effects of advanced vampirism!), why he had to have an umbrella out in the day light, sleeping in a glass coffin ("hyperbaric chamber"), etc. Even Thriller Music Video shows Michael with FANGS.

NO DOUBT MICHAEL IS IN HIDING PROBABLY IN TRANSYLVANIA.

 

there completly batshit skitzo look ma im eating dad crazy

 

http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=23844

 

lamo

like realy im crying

 

Bubbles: Can they be trusted?
http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=21416

 

lawl at the people that go on that forum and don't understand and then try to argue

 

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Hahaha.

 

i know every thread is fantastic,
have u seen the ex negro programe?

 

Is Your Baby Boy Going to be GAY?

[Broken External Image]:http://img407.imageshack.us/img407/787/gaybaby.jpg

http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=21600

 

I got to post one thing, and they banned me, laaame.

 

http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=20585

 

http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=19316


[Broken External Image]:http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/2092/toz281te7.jpg

 

I saw the topic title as "Bendover Bandits"

 

found a troll

 

We should gather a posse and invade their forum as "Satan's Army" or "Satan's Our God."

 

these are seriously the best trolls evar.they not only troll but they made a whole website to troll on.i fucking love these people.my heroes.