no man thats exactly what im saying. im having an extremely hard time just keeping up with bills and relations and my own self and noticed that i have to get away a lot more then i hit a smooth patch and ill slow down and just enjoy it then i start to think about shit and ill have to go out again. its a constant cycle. life sucks so make something of it. ill spend hours locked away in my apartment until im to fed up with bouncing off the walls with myself that i have to go fuck some shit up whether it be rippin it up with a mad skate session or painting for hours on end till i dont think i even have the energy to walk home. that is if i have the energy to peel myself from my bed at 5 in the evening after 12 to 18 hours of sleepin. i used to tell myself i just like to sleep but i realized later its just another way to escape the harsh realities of my own fucked up world.
what you say is very true... i've been there myself and its hard to deal with at times... BUT i've always seem to realize that there is something else something more. I feed off the adrinaline of painting or drawing or flying down the road on my bike.. Your world is what you make it, true the "real world at best sux" but non the less the world we create is ours alone... so if yours is "fucked up" as you say... try sitting back and seeing whats not. I dont know if any of this makes sense, but i've lost a few friends to suicide and depression....these two i know all to well
im still here and have made a way for myself to be here for a very long time. sometimes i honestly feel as though i was made that way for those that have a tougher time than i do. i think to much and thats my biggest weakness and stregnth. keep on pushin kids i can do it, im even doing it sober currently.
Wait! does this mean your going to kill yourself? just don't, what's the point? to cause even more suffering into this world? for you freinds and family? that's a stupid idea. You take your own life, you also take a part of others aswell.
I just came back from my newest psych. They're all women. Figures. She's really tiny, and looks asian. Her name is Cosico DeJesus. Yes DeJesus, pronounced Dehéseus. Which doesn't sound like an asian name in retrospect. My first interview was okay. I'm kind of discouraged to start with though because it's my fifth one. And although she looks promising; it's still only just the summer. I'm more optimistic at this point. Fall is approaching all too fast. AIP, you can't kill yourself, you have too many responsibilities. To your pets, to your family. It's selfish to end your life without first thinking who you'll be affecting. That's what I tell myself. Don't worry, hun, you'll pull through.
IM STILL HERE...THANKS TO JACKJILL...thats what caused me to stay another day so i owe u so much man thanks....i thought teice and relized how much it wasnt worth it...jackjill thanks alot man...saved my life
AIP listen man, if you need help talk to me, tell me what's up, I'll listen and talk to you to try and help you pull through what ever is going on. Don't make a bad decision
Pyro, dude, you know it. AIP, I'm glad to hear that. Made me smile a little bit. If anyone ever needs help...you can pm me any time. I've been dealing with S.A.D for 5 years now.
sometimes i just dont even think of my own life and what could i do in the future id just like to shoot my head and spread my thoughts to all my "friends" and family that just doesnt get what I see what I think I feel like im the only one in my family , in my world that doesnt want to get in the same shit everybody is. why do everybody seems to be on another planet. they all want to be the richest motherfucker on earth. I just want to be a lil someone Yeah they been telling me im shit cause i do graffiti and its bad but this shit's actually saved my live a few times , i could have jumped down that roof , i could have jumped in the traffic but no , i gotta get up tonight... go destroy shit.Is it so hard to understand ... being someone ive been dealing with a huge depression for months now Im feeling like shit I wish i could die and see the faces of my parents to see if what they did was good , the popo too. Id fuckin dedicate my death to the police .. fuck the poliice... yall know what i mean.yo friends , whatever u guys call it , I call it bullshit they'll let you down , see , i used to have friends. Im dreaming to see my parents unhappy , with them holding my dead bloody body in their arms crying for me to come back , but when im there what do they do , nothing , nada fuckin shit.thats the point , why do people love you when they dont even seem to , I need to know they love me to not feel like im nothing , but now im not nothing. Ive got my alter ego in graff that keeps me alive , i still have a desire to proove to everyone in the game i can do better than them , I can still do , and be something/one. thats the shit Damn i had to get this shit out ... whatever Theres this shit running in my head , mixing with THC cause now this shit is all i smoke and see. getting rushs stealing stuff , painting , running from the popo i deal with all these things with ease. but why cant i handle life as hard and as bad as it seems...
its awesome how the this thread is probably the most positive one on this site, everybody sticking together and helping eachother out when one is in need, pyroguy, Jackjill, rfi.spit, and everybody else, u ppl r wat makes life worth living.
Yo hoodrats, i see where you're comin' from, but killin' yourself for that? Damn thats no fun. I'm planing to just leave. Go drift around for a while. I was in boyscouts, i could make a fuckin' fire. Fuck showering i can just swim in a lake. And if you do this, then you can actually see the reactions on there faces. See if you make it on the news. See if your parents actually care that much. But if you're planning what i'm doing, you can't smoke cuz usually when cops pick you up after running away they like drug test you and give you a nice doctors check-up to make sure you didn't get bird flu or some shit. Anyone go tips for being a drift or something. You know, just get out for a month and just be care free for a while you know, instead of offing yourself... I still havn't gotten laid yet... don't wanna die before that. (yeah, i'm in my late seventeens and still havn't gotten laid, shut up... chicks in my town don't dig a guy into graff.)
Yo if i just leave like that and come back after a month , man my parents would kill me on the spot and that wouldnt even be a nice death.
im not advocating at all but ive talked to a lot of bums in my day. some are pretty cool guys for completely milking every tax dallor i pay, but they hop trains and get to see alot of cool shit. theres alot or hard knocks about living the life though, twacked out people with no regaurd for life and moneys hard to come by even for just a burrito. ive thought about it. itd be something youd have to ease into learn the life you know. be careful if thats the life change you need to make. and understand it be for you go head first in it. make sure you can come back to a regular life, some people can't do that. thats what makes an addict.
i attempted suicide once and i regret it worst mistake of my life i got really sick afterwards had to be in the hospital for 1 month thank god i didn't die
........ i dont even know what to say anymore..i really want to "keep on keeping on" but it seems like on punch in the face after the next.... i got back from LA and it was great out there.. but i got home and my "friends" had formed an alliance against me. i already felt their coldness whan i stepped off the plane. they sent their little drone steven, who i cared after since grade school, who i loved as a friend, who now because of them has a mental addiction to pot, to tell me they all quote unquote they all "completely hate" me. i am their new target, their scratching post. dig your claws deep into my back and draw my blood. i swear its just going to get worse i feel it. my one friend i havent seen for a long time is going to come over tomorow. were going to piece some trains. i wonder if he knows im this fucked up. its like sitting next to a murderer on a newyork bus but yu only know him only as a stranger. i know people like me but at the same time i feel like im not meeting the standards or something. i feel not up to par. but do they realize who i really am. its like im yelling at them to look but the 4" plexiglass on the steel door to the creamatory is soundbroof and im burning at the stake. i dont even know what im saying any more god help me. if you can feel this drop in my stomache, this cold on my plams, these nails in my spine this hopeless darkness in every blink saying " dont open your eyes, its not worth staying awake" please let me know. let me know im not alone... . . ... i wrote a book.
i dont even know why i live anymore, like i got nothing that keeps me aliove except graff , and all the fucking hate, ive been depressed before, and it happens to me alot, since i have no life, and around like 1-2 friends, im always sitting home, and when im not im bombing, but still, party's and shit, i havent been in months, since i was deppressed, and lost most of my fake friends cuz i was depressed.
ok lets talk about friends friends fucking suck ass if they are girls all they want is drama if their guys all they wanna do is sleep with you (well for us girls atleast) i think over the years my friends list keeps getting smaller and smaller and now you know what i dont even care, having 1 best friend who understands me is better than 12 drinking buddies when im reading some posts im wondering why are all so concerned about some so called friends think of us, let alone the need to have cool friends it might be hard for me to understand cause its been many years since ive been in a situation that i got picked on (lol other than here). but dont let your "friends" get you down, cause they arent worth your smallest concern. yes they think they have some control over your life but only if you let them. dont react to them, let them have their "fun" as cruel or unjust it might be, let go of that need to prove them wrong. cause that battle isnt worth it, what is is your peace of mind. this may sound horribly depressing but truthfully i think our expactations of having people be there for us or brining us happines is pretty selfish on our behalf. and i have a very personal question, if you all dont mind answering why would you want to kill yourself? to leave your problems behind or to show the everyone the pain they caused you mine was always to cause pain to the others that caused me pain i too wanted to settle a score, to show them that people feel that i feel and their responsibitlies as humans lead to many outcomes one being my death sadly after seeing friends kill themselves i realized the people affected were to selfish to realize their own involvement in the friends death they would idolize this dead friend who they had many times before caused so much pain their concern ending up being to pretend things werent as the were, and confused at what went wrong but sadly none of them took any of that blame upon themselves so ive come to realize although suicide seems like the right answer at times youre not there to control the outcome you have all these fake friends crying for you and friends and family seem to forget that they werent there for you when you needed them most so sadly ive turned to pestimisism (of people) verses suicide dont rely on others to bring you happiness, cause i think you might be expecting alot but rely on wha you can give yourself, and if you think you cant give yourself happiness youre wrong its out there in many forms