my problem was when i was younger 13 14 i got realy depressed after a friend died and everything that would happen in my day anything slightly negitive made it worse and it got to the point where i was willing to end it myself and then somthing snapped in me not only did i grow a huge fucking anger problem but from there on out i could only focus on blaming other people for problems .. i would blame myself for things i had no control over and all of a sudden i found out whos problem it was and took all that anger out on them for creating that problem.. oh yeah.. and all that anger eventualy landed me in counceling and anger managment 5 times.. somtimes talking about it helps but when your angry at the world talking about it to somone only makes you hate the person your talking to more.

 

R.I.P. danek

R.I.P.

DANEK{AP}

A friend of mine and writing partner committed suicide in '02, he is and will always be missed.

 

yea after reading this i talked to some of the people at the phones but it didnt really help. it made me feel pathetic. my life and my friends seem...fake. they don care about eachother that just want theiir next turn in the spotlight of self agrandizing glory. they want to be idolized and feared and imressive and adored. i just hate it all. i hate how they dont know about my feelings on this. i hate how i cant tell them.i dont want to feel. graffiti is the only out let i have. and this. but i dont rreally want it. but what does it matter. death is inevitable. its bound to happen. why not now. i may have said it earlier but everyday of my life gets worse and worse. its not that bad things happpen to me its just that i hate myself. i hate how i hate people. i hate how i look. i hate my look on life. i hate that i want. i hate that i smoke. i hate that i dont ..... i hate... everytime im in the car i pray that the person coming at me swerves and hits me head on. i hate that about me too. but death happens everyday. so what if one more dies. people die all the time and no one cares. it doesnt affect anyone except in your immediate family. maybe they only care because the life insurace is void depending on the cirumstance of death.everyone says im artistic and smart and inspiring i just wish i could see it. .....please somone help me please

 

oh my darlin moze
there is nothing wrong with all that hate
i hate stupid people and theres a fucking lot of them in the world
i hate working everyday being some sprog for a rich elderly white man
i hate friends that only have friends cause they need the attention and drama
i hate myself for growing old
but that hate doesnt get me down anymore
why?? cause why shouldnt i hate those things, they suck
and life needs balance...good and bad
and id much rather open my eyes to the things i hate and move on then dwell on why my hate is wrong
is hate really wrong? i mean kinda like your own theory, "its bound to happen", why cant we hate as long as your true to yourself and your feelings theres no reason to feel guilty or ashamed (especially if your hate is intenal).
but perhaps you should focus on why your hate makes you depressed instead of the actions that cause hate. cause what you hate are all very reasonable things to hate, yet you hate yourself for hating them. am i making sence?? you hate yourself of getting help and feeling normal negative outlooks but truthfully thats closer to happiness (for me) than smiling, being navie, and ignoring your surroundings. do you hate hating cause its not a convenctional way of being happy (ie fluffy clouds kinda thing), or perhaps cause you think youre alone in your negative thoughts, or cause you need people to accpet your alteranatie outlook?

anyone else feel me on this, im just wondering if there are other happy hateful people out there??

 

i can get pretty hateful
im pretty peachy keen though
i like cereal and horses and electric heaters and my life
most definately you can hate and still be happy
hating on people makes me feel happy, unless its some serious fighting stance stuff,
hating people doesnt make me feel happy because i hate myself though cause i dont hate myself, i dunno why i like being hateful, i just do
i can be nice though =)
and although i can be pretty mean on here esspecially i am actually nice to more people than i am hateful
everybody gets depressed sometime, the estatic times are always met by the dark and vice versa
when im feeling down and out i do something monotonous and arduous and that seems to help me
thats just me though, i find that the best way for me to get over depression is to just keep moving, that seems to work for me
although if you're having some issues you think you can get through by yourself or you dont know what to do
finding someone to talk to can be very helpful too, even if its someone on the internet
hope you get on all right moze

 

last nlght i felt a little better. i dont want this thread to turn into my journal but i feel like i need to say this to somone i dont know in person. today my friend canceled his plans with me.i dont know why. he seemed hesistant with his excuse. i know he was lieng. he proably found a way to get high or drunk with one of his friends during the week we were leaving. it was a cheap shot. now its too late to call anyone else. "trying to run though deep water" not the right phrase but its the first one that comes to mind. im trying to go to california. to see my friend. hes a big actor. famous. spotlight. the one kid who i hae never been mad at, angry, and i feel comfortable around. i pray that he answers his phone. i really need this. " i feel like im doing the tustfall but noone is there to catch me"... its not the right phrase bbut the first one that comes to mind. reading your messages you guys sent back.. made me feel better i guess. please dont stop. i realized that maybe i dont hate. i dont wanna sound cliche' but hate sounds so... strong. maybe i just dont like. cynical isnt the right word...but the firsst that comes to mind.... last night i was up till 7 am.. not doing anything. i was enjying nothing ness. at 4 oclock i heard voices. not crayzy ones but just people talking or saying words. i couldnt hear them too well unless i focused on them. but then they would leave. i didnt want them too. i felt happy for a second. thrilled while they were there. i felt like they came for me and me alone.. crazy i know. but right now i wanna be crazy. apart from crazyness i wanna be calm/ i know opposites. my ying and yang. " the calm before the storm" isnt the right phrase.. but its the fiirst one that comes to mind. last night around 7:40 am (maybe thats today) i turned on my computer and listened to sounds of rain and water. it was peaceful. Nirvana can be a beautiful place even if it is in the room of a 17 year old law breaking loser. it mmade me think. i dont want to be herre. i want to live in the woods far away from everyone. my dream day changed at the moment. i no longer wanted to be in the city for that one pperfect day. i wanted to be, on the outside of a tent. in october while its raining. the water hitting the tent like little angry fists shunning its existance. then falling off the tent and landing in a puddle next to my head. im laying on my back staring straight up but no water hits my eyes and im... happy. ha. i havent a care in the world on that one day... not my wet clothes. not the temperature. nothing. last night i dremt that i was walking down a sttreet. it was the street i grew up on. you kno the casual middle class neighborhood that we all lived in at one point. i walk dow this street but i notice a road and a house that i have never seen before. i am curios..the house is white and is more like thouse buildings on the corneror of a forked road. its 2 stories and white. it right where my old firend used to live. but then again its not because i can see his house. and hes playing in a glass box. he shouts some thing but i cant hear it. i am too interested in this house. i walk up to the door of it and look back at my firend. but he is dead in the box and his blood drps form every side of his 6 walled glass cage. i walk in. inside there is abou 7 feet of space. it is diamond shaped instead of a normal square. to my immediate left is a stair that begins a spiral staircase wayway up into darkess above. i coulda sworn this was only two stories i think to myself. to my right is a door to a kitchen. there is a lottle old lady in a light pink garmet and shs cleaning up broken glass. she turns to me with a happy smile and says" they'll be here soon you know" and turns back to her work set before her. i want to say what? but i cant so i try to turn her to face me but when i do she is a rotting corpse and turns to dust in my hands. i kneel down and stare in awe. but then the door opens. a man walks in wearings blach everything. he is white and about 42 years old. he is carrying a satchel of tools and lays them on the small welcoming table in the center of the room. i notice that there are some of the strangest tools i have ever seen in my life and i know wht he is going to do with them. he calmly looks at a tool. inspects is and sets it down. he pus on a pair of black gloves and picks it back up. he attacks me weilding his forighn weapon. i dodge but i know im not that good a dodging and i just got lucky. and i right. he digs a sharp pointed spike into my shoulder and i feel it in my bone. it wiggles a bit. i ppick up a razor sharp tool form his thing and slice some of his face. he is unfazed. hisflesh hung from his cheek like a piece of deli meat. i swing at his arm and then leg. the oth fall to the floor but yet he... doent do anything but smile. the same dumb smile he has had on the entire time. i run out the door and down the street. im running and running and then i blink. i curse that blink. when i reopen my eyes. im back in the house. that god damn house. and he is in there. he unrolls the satchel and skips the first tool heused before and goes on to the second. he says to me that he s goint to use every one of the tools untill i die. i know that everytime i run out. somehow ill end up back here. and each time i do.... he'll start with the next tool in line......... that was my dream... whre is sigmund frueid when u need him. am i that close to insanity.... please talk to me somone

 

doubting your sanity can bring you solace my friend. it sounds odd but that sort of thing undoubtedly brings about some serious self reflection, in which some supring realizations can come about. so, if your friends arent bringing you the sort of comfort you are looking for, then stop looking for comfort in them, and change your aim. find what does give you comfort and stick to that until you feel a little more stable. then, figure out what you can do to make the changes you need to make to have that stability from day to day. a lot of times feelings of depression are huge signs that something isnt right in your life, and changes need to be made.. and theres nothing wrong with that, its a natural part of life. you just need to make sure that youre around to make it through the changes. naw meeeeen?

 

If you're feeling shitty/emotional, I just write graff. it helps me deal with those problems.

 

word avid... if im feeling down.. or pissed off.. no matter what it is man i can always rely on graff to cheer me up.

 

and you can get some sickkkkk pieces up!!! haha

 

Graff doesnt cheer me up. If it's meant to then...i dunno....i have a song that cheers me up, my freinds cheer me up. Graff makes me happy sure but i wouldnt say it cheers me up. And if your depressed and thinking about suicide i doubt graff will even be on your mind

 

Moze, just keep your chin up man i respect you for sharing your views and i deeply feel for you, its not wrong to hate, no matter who you are or what you do people will always hate something, dont lose the will to live life has its ups and downs just keep banging on. You see all the african children in poverty with no food or money but they trek on with a smile on there face, dont hate yourself , your a unique individual, everyone is.

Suicide is not the answer, but rest in peace all those who fall to it.

 

Quoted for truth. I wanted to write something similar, but this conveys my feelings pretty well.

 

yeah for all you people who come and here and tlak about yalls problems
i got mad respect for yall
i ve been through some shit before in my life where i thought it could only go straight down
family fighting with my brother (drinking underage drugs etc.) and my mom and dad had a close call with a divorce thing going on
my moms also not straight in the head so she loses it every now and again
BUT
this should be a community of people with a common interests,goals, beliefs, etc.
you may have someone a few states, cities, countries away from you
that has the same thoughts, feelings, ideas, etc as you and never know it
and where better to get help with your life and problems
then people like you?
we are here to help answer your questions
wether it be graff, your girl, your fam, your friends whatever
peace to all yall

 

I had severe suicidal issues when I was 13 it was my first time in a large school in the city all my friends that I'd had stopped hanging out with me when Itold them how I felt i gradually slipped really really deep into depression people in my school became scared of me cuz I'd have cuts or scars all over my body most of my pain and anguish had been because of being a BIG guy. My mom found me in my roomone day laying in my bed passed out from from an overdose on a combination of Dextromanphetamine and Anti-depressants. she found the suicide note id left her in py pants pocket later on that week after that she took me to counciling my coucillor was actually a really cool guy i told him why i was like that he encouraged that the next time someone started something I beat the shit outta them ( Cool councilor) The next week broke a kids nose eyebrow ridge and jaw after that I ended up befriending an other outcast of sorts my best friend Logan(It's his B-day today), then I met Mint & Mundey we ended up becoming best friends and it bettered my life by an amazing amount I show props to my true friends the ones who helped me out of the gas camber I locked myself in and for that I will always be greatful

 

This shit pisses me the fuck off right here. Going to a new school and being said ain't being depressed. Trust me.

 

I have major Depression issues in my family its cuz we lack some fuckin chemical the point is im over with that shit and fine now i just dont understand ppl who make fun of others cuz they were like this

 

hey guys. its me and im still here. i know even im surprized. i talked to my friend out in LA and im going to see him! im excited and i can really use this. seeing him again will be great. some of my friends called me an hour ago and they were all drunk and thay were making fun of me and how i do graffiti. i dont even know if thats omething to be made fun of but its almost amazing in a sense how these kids can take something as small as a hobby and make it seem like the pimple on your highschool photo. i bought some prisma color pens and drew on my black canvas vans. i think it looks cool but my mom said she only liked one of em. i didnt really buy the pens... i stole them but it was just so easy. i also stole 7 cans of spraypain.. i hope im not a klepto or anything but graffiti and sttealing are what makes me feel... alive. its weird i know but every little thing in my life is. from my living situaltion all the way down to my slighty ingrown toenail. im thinking about going to support groups for things i dont have. its extermely selfish, i mean seeing others suffing so i dont seem as bad off or so i can get that one anonymous persoon to cr wth or so people can hear and feel my pain so its not so much my burden or my families but others...im going to hell no matter how i see it. ill let you all know how that fairs out. they are calling again. their newest joke is to call nonstop asking for "jhon" who, ofcoure, isnt my name. they are all drunk. every last one of them. that is their support group. i know this because i used to go. it'd be on a friday night or saturday and we would all bring 7$ for the vodka, the weed, the salvia, the laughter, the whatever-you-came-there-for. it would usually be at Bens house.he'd sacrafice his basment to all the spit, puke, spilled food, and spilt alcohol, for a night. he acted like he didnt care but i knew he did. he didnt care about the drinking he just wanted to be accepted by his olld friends. his friends that ditched him in 7th grade and called him names, his "friends" that were all in his basement thanking him for the place to drink in. and they would! they would drink soo much that you could kill five grown men. all seven of them completely plastered to the point that the walls melted to the floor and the floor melted to oblivion. and then they would let out themselves. who they truly are. they would cry and tell truths that no one would tell when sober. and they knew in the morning they woould all forget. but it was their therapy.. it is and was their support group. but i dont have that. not anymore, or since the time when i scared the shit out of them saying i had a gun. i didnt, but i wanted one. i do now too but not to hurt others. but no my support fell through that one night. and now i have people with real problems such as alchooholism and brain tumoors and parasites, to cry on. im hoping this works

 

Ok , I made a post regarding your previous post that earned me a warning. I'm going to attempt to be more civil in this one.

You need to look into yourself and deal with your problems through what ever avenues lead to your own actions. I'm no psychologist but a friend of mine did what you're doing to and it pissed the hell out of me. Stop living vicariously through Chuck Palahniuk's novels. Sure re-living fight club sounds like fun, but going to support groups isn't going to realistically help you. Have you tried counseling? It seems to me you are creating problems to apply these preloaded pseudo solutions to. The actions in his books weren't meant to be taken literally but rather metaphorically. He is trying to inspire a demographic but you have taken inspiration the wrong way. I'm sure anyone who has read any of his work has wanted to write off the world at one point but that isn't what it is meant for. Read them again and try and get something to live for out of them instead of just looking for reasons not to.